better late than never... probably

I planned on returning from my blog hiatus with a fun game for you to play, but I couldn't pull it off. My ActionScript and JavaScript abilities were too rusty to track the score. So here's a free game idea for you Developers.

I was going to call it; "Drunk, Diseased or John Wayne"

The basic concept was this — you would listen to a slurry, sleepy audio clip of a male voice saying a short phrase. Then, you'd decide if the voice you just heard was that of a drunkard, a motor neuron-diseased person, or actor John Wayne.

John Wayne sound clips are easy to find. Recording my own slow speech is easy. Getting a few of my friends loaded and recording them would have been the easiest task, given the massive quantity of Russian Imperial Stout in my fridge. The hard part was that I wanted the game to be 10-15 'questions' long, but I couldn't remember how the scoring worked.

Oh well. I have a feeling "Drunk, Diseased or John Wayne" wouldn't be burning up the iTunes store.

bank job

At my last ALS clinic, I picked up some info on voice banking. Voice banking is a service provided by the MN ALS Association — they help people record their voice while it's still strong. Those recordings are then input to a communication device or computer. The idea is to save everyday phrases you'll want to continue to say once your voice is gone like, "I love you" or "How was your day?" or "No, officer, I haven't been drinking."

Voice banking won't create words like a text to speech program. It just stores a voice for future use.

But... what if I want to use other voices in the future? My voice is OK, but it could be better. That's why I've started a list of voices I'd like to bank. So far I have;

• Mike Rowe saying pretty much anything
• Alec Baldwin saying pretty much anything
• Sean Connery saying "Good evening, my dear. So nice to see you."
• George Clooney ordering various cocktails
• Christopher Walken yelling "POW!"
• The Dude saying, "Careful man, there's a beverage here!"
• Homer Simpson saying, "Tramampoline! Trabopoline!"

What else should I add to my list?

Inked

About 10 minutes after I came up with the design for this year's ALS walk shirts, I thought to myself, “that would make a kick-ass tattoo.” Turns out it does make a pretty kick-ass tattoo.

behold.

I went to St. Sabrina's in uptown to get a price quote, and to ask about tweaking or shading my design. they had an opening, so I figured “what the hell?”

It's worth mentioning that St. Sabrina's has one tattoo room on the main floor, and the rest are upstairs. Stairs are kind of scary for me to navigate. Taylor, my artist, was nice enough to leave her upstairs station and come down to the main level to do my tattoo. Good stuff.

I've tried to convince Marney and that she should get a giant tattoo of my skull on her back. She wasn't having it.

I need to think of a nickname for my design. So far the front runner is disabilideath, but I think I can do better.

traffic Stop

It's been a long time since I was behind the wheel of a car. In fact, I haven't driven since I busted my head back in June. The other day, I saw a dash-cam video of a cop administering a field sobriety test. the suspect was, of course, failing with flying colors. It got me thinking, “what would happen if I were pulled over for suspected drunk driving?”

It would probably be hilarious. Here is my hypothetical traffic stop;

*this scene starts with meme being pulled over on a city street.

Officer #1: “good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “hi, yeah, I uh, kinda swerved back there. I lost my grip on the wheel because I have AL...”
Officer #1: “have you been drinking tonight, sir?”
Me: “no. I'm just heading home from work and my hand slipped beca...”
Officer #1: (cutting me off again) “can I see your license and registration sir?”
Me: * Struggles to open glovebox, can't quite get it open
Officer #1: “please step out of the car sir.”
Me: “oh, okay.”

*I fumble to open the door, and very slowly and cautiously stand up.

Officer #1: “Would you follow me to the back of the car sir?”
Me: “okay.”
Officer #1: “I'm going to give you a field sobriety test. I believe you've been drinking. Are you sure you don't want to tell me the truth?”
Me: “but I wasn't drinking, my hands are weak from A...”
Officer #1: (cuts me off) “please hold your head still, and follow my pen with your eyes.”
*I follow his pen with my eyes
Officer #1: “very good. Now I want you to stand on 1 foot, and recite the alphabet.”
Me: (stands on 1 foot) “A, B, C, D, E, (Wobbles, almost puts foot down) F, G, H, I... whoa!” (nearly falls, puts foot down)
Officer #1:(Activates his radio and calls for backup) “okay, that's enough of that. Sir, I want you to stand with your feet together, put your arms straight out, and touch your index fingers to your nose.”
Me: (struggles to raise arms, they fall back down repeatedly)
Officer #1: “follow my instructions!”
Me: “I'm trying! But my arms don't work because of AL...”
Officer #1: “because you're drunk.”
Me: “no! It's because...”
Officer #1: “ are you getting belligerent with me?”

*Officer #1 prepares to unholster his gun.

Me: “no, I keep trying to tell you that I ...”
Officer #1: “I want you to turn around, face the trunk of your car, and place your hands on your head.”

*Officer #2 arrives as backup, and joins Officer #1.

Officer #2: “What's the problem here?”
Officer #1: “This drunk is refusing to follow instructions.”
Me: “Man, I keep telling you that...”
Officer #2: “Keep quiet and put your hands on your head now!”

*I struggle to put my hands on my head, but can't lift them above my shoulders.

Officer #2: (Draws his taser) “hands on your head!”
Officer #1: “He's not going to comply. hit him!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser, I fall to the ground and flop about like a fish out of water.)

Me: (* foams at mouth)
Officer #1: “now put your hands on your head, or we'll taze you again”
Me: (*struggles to put my hands on my head) “please don't taze me, bro!”
Officer #2: “You've got 5 seconds to put your hands on your head.”
Me: “I can't! I have ALS!”
Officer #2: “The hell is ALS?”
Officer #1: “I think it's like PCP! Hit him again!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser again, I flop around for a few minutes)


Officer #1: (calls dispatch on his radio) “dispatch this is unit 612, I have a uncooperative driver high on ALS, requesting ambulance, over.”
Dispatch: “say again 612, high on what? Over.”
Officer #1: “ALS, that's Alpha, Lima, Sierra, over.”
Dispatch: “ be advised 612, ALS is a degenerative motor neuron disease, not a form of amphetamine. Over.”
Officer #1: “copy that, dispatch. Uh cancel that ambulance request. Over.”

*several moments of stunned silence.

Officer #2: “Oh boy.”
Officer #1: “Yeah...”
Me: “I told you!”
Officer #1: “Okay, son. We'll make this right.”
Officer #2: “Absolutely, were sorry for not understanding you.”
Me: “how do you plan on making this right?!?”

Officer #1: “Can we buy you a beer?”

pretty pictures

Yesterday I took some time out from designing T-shirts to make three ALS Assassination Squad computer desktop images. They can be downloaded from my revamped website.

F.Y.I.- It takes 5 hours to create a cold war era Soviet propaganda poster.

shirt designs round two

#3

#4

T-shirt ideas

Here are my first two design ideas for this year's AlS walk team shirt. They are a bit more hardcore than last year. I recommend listening to this while you look at the designs. Click for a larger view.

Option one:


Option two:

We are planing on printing kids shirts again this year, so I don't think option two has much of a chance. However, it might look really cool on a bumper sticker.

fun and games, well games anyway

One of the drawbacks of having hands that don't function properly is that I can't play most computer games. Console games, like the old school Nintendo I grew up with, require opposable thumbs, which I lack. PC-based games are even more complicated. Many require using both the mouse and keyboard simultaneously. these days, I can move the mouse and click. Believe it or not, that allows me to do well over 90% of my job. I love you, Photoshop.

Here are a few fun games for all of my hand-challenge friends out there:

Bubble Spinner
this game is very simple and terribly addicting. Just shoot little colored balls at balls of the same color to make them disappear. Do not play this at work, it will ruin productivity for the rest of your day.

Hedgehog Launch
a game where you launch a hedgehog into space... A situation I'm sure we're all familiar with. It takes a click/drag with the mouse, any use of the arrow keys to steer. The soundtrack kind of rocks too.

Crush the Castle
This is one of my all time favorite online games. Click once to get your catapult swinging, click again to release your projectile. it gets really fun once you earn explosives. Once you've mastered to the original, check out the Players Pack version.

Canabalt
This game is pure 8-bit awesomeness. Controls are only one button. Press the C key to jump as your little pixel man runs through a crumbling city. Pro tip: the longer you run, the more speed you pick up. Hit a box every now and then to slow down.

Blosics 2
this is a fun little physics shooter. There are piles of things, and apparently you don't like them. Click and drag to shoot them. Repeat as needed.

Splitter
Another fun physics game. This one involves sawing logs via click and drag, and making a little smiley face roll around.

Gimme Friction Baby
a fun but frustrating physics shooter with the best music of any game on this list.

Useful things for the gimp in your life

It's been a while since I put actual useful information on my blog. I know from looking at my analytics that quite a few people arrive here after searching for info on ALS or Monomelic amyotrophy. so, I decided to throw together a post comprised of gadgets and tips I use on a daily basis. Starting off with;

Mac dictate

this is the dictation software I use to write e-mails and blog posts. It is very accurate and very useful. Occasionally it does interesting things with spacing and capitalization. The only draw back is that I can't listen to music while I'm dictating. I've tried it before, and I end up with three quarters of a coherent e-mail with James Brown lyrics interspersed.

Uuhh! Get on up! More on it here.

Bendy Straws

Bendy straws are awesome. You already know this. I have a stash at home and at work, should a beverage situation arise. There are more than a dozen Pro-bendy straw groups on Facebook. The largest one has over 7000 fans. People are weird.

iPhone
Apple likes to say that all of their products will somehow change the world. In the case of the iPhone, that's actually true. I could not make phone calls with out it. A standard cordless telephone is too heavy for me to hold to my ear. My last cell phone had buttons that were too difficult for my weak fingers to press. The touch-sensitive iPhone, combined with this headset, makes talking on the phone possible for someone as weak as me.

zipper pull

My dad invented this handy little tool. I have them all over the house now. It's simply a 3 to 4 inch piece of quarter or 3/8 inch dowel with a little screw-in metal hook in the end. It gives me something large enough to hold onto so I can zip a jacket or pants or whatever.

rocker knife

I have talked about the rocker knife many times before, but it bears repeating. Get yourself a rocker knife.

That is all.

spork

I found this utensil in the camping cookware section of REI. It's made out of titanium, so it's ridiculously light. however, the best thing about it is the flat handle. Most of the silverware designed for disabled people has big fat handles. A fat handle would be great if my thumb worked. since it doesn't, a wide flat handle is easier for me to grasp.

I think a lot of the utensils and other items designed for disabled people would be a lot more useful if the designers would talk to a disabled person every now and then. it's not like we're hard to find. Just hang out near a handicapped parking space long enough, and a disabled product tester will find you.

cup

This thing is what I use to drink 90% of my beverages. its a double wall insulated pint glass with a (mostly) leakproof lid. it has a big fat, heavy duty reusable straw as well.

Camelbak better bottle
it's a water bottle with a built-in straw, and a loop on the lid that makes carrying and opening it a breeze.

miscellaneous
here is a post I did earlier about kitchen gadgets that might be useful to other gimpy gourmets.

How about a bike without hand brakes?

Finally, something to post

I haven't made much progress on my neuron cartoon. Fortunately, I learned a few animation lessons today working on something else. Here's a little short about a blood platelet for my sister in law's blog. Be sure to click through to the vimeo site for the full HD experience.

Johanna's platelets have the blues from colin farbotko on Vimeo.

and so it begins

I'm starting to work on my motor neuron cartoon this weekend. the first step will be writing some sort of script. I figure I should actually research this and make sure I'm animating accurate information. Step two will be creating all my little cartoon elements In Flash. I'll start with the little neurons from my website game and Go from there.

I'd like to do this in a BBC nature documentary style, sarcastically narrated by Eric Idle of Monty Python. I don't think I can afford him. I guess I'll need to start working on my British accent.

the speakers have spoken

Voting is now closed, with 'both, you lazy bastard' in first place, followed closely by the cartoon. So, I will dust off my Foley sounds, fire up Flash, and animate a tale of motor neurons loved and lost.

Also related to my last post; Worthington, Indiana is a town in Jefferson Township with a population of 1,481 at the 2000 census. The median age was 40 years old. For every 100 females there were 87.0 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 82.7 males.

If you're a guy in Worthington, odds are pretty good (statistically, anyway) you'll snag a little lady! It could be slim pickings for the gals in town. Sorry girls, you're screwed (figuratively, not literally).

Smashing wordplay, no?

stats

A long time ago, I got in the habit of tracking usage of my various websites. As a web designer, it helps me see what works and what doesn't. Here are some interesting facts (via Google Analytics) about this blog. In the past six months;

• 880 unique users have visited the blog over 4000 times.
  
• 30 different countries have visited, including Thailand, Russia, Sweden, Argentina, Canada, Croatia, Norway and Singapore.
  
• Visitors from 35 states have been to my blog.
  
• Worthington, Indiana has visited my blog more than any other city. Worthington visits more than any state, except Minnesota. Either someone there is doing motor neuron research, or I have a stalker.
  
• The most clicked on label/tag is 'rocker knife'.
  
• The most viewed individual post is this one. I have no idea why it is so popular.
  
• The most popular search term that leads people to my blog is "colin als hilarity" followed by "farbotko blogspot" and "hipster beard".

Hipster beard takes you here. I'm amazed at how many people are researching hipster facial hair. They should just go here.

And now for a weird one: Someone arrived at this blog after Googling "i keep getting a mouthful of foam." What. The. Hell?

Who in their right mind has a mouthful of foam so often they had to Google it?!?! I've never found myself with a mouthful of foam and thought, "Oh, not this again! Why am I always finding myself in this predicament?"

I'm the fifth search result on Google. The first three are pages about pouring beer, the fourth is about toothpaste, and mine is about drinking pop.

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the sidebar. I'm off to make a T-shirt that says "I'm big in Worthington".

tell me what to do next

i'm trying to decide which wacky thing i should do next on this blog. My options are;

1) Produce the BBQ sauce commercial I hypothesized in my last post.

-or-

2) Make a short cartoon about the lives of motor neurons—before and after ALS.

Vote for your choice in the side bar.

side effects

Every time I visit the good doctors at the HFA ALS clinic, they ask me a standard set of questions. It goes something like this;

Any trouble getting dressed? (yes)
Any trouble doing your job? (not really)
Any difficulty swallowing? (nada)
Any trouble eating or drinking? (not since the Ti spork, baby!)
Any excessive salivating or drooling? (Whaaaaa?)
Any sudden outburst of crying or laughter? (No... unless you count watching Up or this)

Turns out that drooling & laughing/crying uncontrollably are pretty common. I hear those effects generally manifest early on, so it's doubtful they'll show up at this point.

Nonetheless, I gave my wife these instructions; If, at any time, I am simultaneously laughing and drooling - get the video camera. Start shooting, and don't stop for any reason. Uncontrolled hysterics and drool would make a great web video. Or, it could be used in a viral ad campaign for a new extra tangy BBQ sauce or something.

"Howdy, ya'll! Try Smokey Dan's new extra-tangy barbecue sauce! It's made with four kinds of vinegar and jalapenos genetically engineered to be so tart, their mere existence is considered a war crime!" -cut to video of me drooling and laughing with bbq sauce superimposed on my face- "It's so tangy, we make you sign a waiver before you buy it. Rustle up some Smokey Dan's extra-tangy barbecue sauce for your next ho-down! Yeeee-haw!"

On the flip side, here's my plan for drooling while crying; I'm going to lay down in a Thai restaurant parking lot, writhe around and shout;

"Why?!? (sob, sob) Why did I eat that pepper? (sob, sob, drool) They said it was mild!!! (drool, drool) My insides are on fire!!! (sob, drool, sob, drool) Avenge my death! (drool)"

Either way, it's going to be awesome.

Fancy new technology

I have some spiffy new software called Mac Dictate. It translates the words I say into a microphone into text on the screen. In fact, I'm just saying the words to this post I'm not typing them. This might be phase 1 in computers taking over and ruling the world, but I don't care, because it's freaking awesome.

it doesn't recognize everything I say just yet. It keeps thinking my wife's name is Monday or money & not Marney. of course the first thing I teach it will be how to recognize swear words. Let's take it for a test drive...

Mother Fokker

okay, I stand corrected, there is only one swear word it didn't recognize. it knew six out of seven words of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television. I must reiterate, this software is freaking awesome.

I kind of feel like Capt. Kirk talking to the enterprise. "Computer. Plot a course to Alpha Centauri." on second thought I feel more like Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. Picard was a pimp. he rocked that bald head better than anyone in the universe. Incidentally, Dictate abbreviated captain and hyphenated Jean-Luc all on its own. Groove on that.

Now that I don't need to type with just two fingers, I'll be able to blog more with less frustration. Sweet! I wonder if it would understand me if I were totally wasted. Computer, pass the Jamison.

Hooray for technology!

at last

I'm finally done with this and this (including print jobs for each), mostly done with this, and finished updating this (great pizza, btw).

Regular blogging to resume post haste. Old-timey expressions to continue henceforth. Bully!

done

This might just be the best web site I've created: Save Johanna's Brain

The Neuron Shooter game from my site got a hilarious face lift for Johanna's site.

irons in the fire

I'll be busy this week with a little altruistic side project, so I won't have much to post for a bit. Just for fun, here's a quiz...what do you think is occupying my time?

a) Tiger Woods damage control
b) "Reading" the Tara Reid Playboy issue
c) Building a website for a friend in need
d) Assassinating the Arch-Duke
e) Round-the-clock beer bongs

Here's some music to help you think.

the epic battle between man and bear

This is pretty self explanatory:
(click for larger view)

Actual explanation here.

This is what happens when I have the day off and 2 hours to kill before dinner.