In my last post, I postulated that the best way to get famous fast (and then raise money for rare motor neuron disease research) was to release a sex tape.
However, I forgot about twist on the tape - a good old-fashioned affair. Tiger Woods has been in the news non stop for nearly two weeks since it was revealed he was stepping out on his wife.
Rather than going through the effort of forging a sex tape, I'm going to take the Tiger route. Here's a list of people I've had affairs with;*
• Lindsay Lohan
• Kate Gosselin
• Kim Deal
• The flute chick from American Pie
• Neil Patrick Harris
• Taylor Swift
• Anne Hathaway's second cousin Jenny
• That girl who works at the Quizznos near work
• Melissa Stark
I'd like to apologize to my family, blah, blah, blah, I was weak, yadda yadda yadda... and that's it.
Once the media picks up on this post I'll be known as the latest Hollywood lothario. Then I'll go on Larry King and tell the world that, in addition to being a total man-whore, I want to raise the public's awareness of rare, crippling motor neuron diseases. Donations will start flooding in and maybe I'll help some people out.
This plan is just genius.
* Not really
Showing posts with label motor neuron disorders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motor neuron disorders. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
the next big thing
Lance Armstrong recently announced his team roster for the 2010 season. It includes Mid-West badass Bjorn Selander. A few years ago, he was a local high school kid who kicked the crap out me & everyone else at cyclocross races. Pretty cool to see him at the top of the sport at such a young age.
The team's title sponsors are RadioShack and Lance's LiveStrong Cancer foundation. LiveStrong has raised over $180 million for cancer research.
Which got me thinking - where is the rare motor neuron disease big gun? You've got the Jerry Lewis telethon, Micheal J. Fox's Parkinsons thing, and... well, that's it.
Where's the big celebrity fundraiser for weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases? I'll tell you where.
Right here.
I'm gonna be the next big thing in disease-related awareness generation and fund raising. Hell, our ALS Assassination Squad raised $9,150 in like, six weeks. The only problem with my plan is I'm not a huge celebrity. Yet. If there's one thing I've learned from TV & the internet, it's how to get headlines. There's a sure-fire way to the top.
I need to release a sex tape.
I know, without asking, that my wife will not be on board. It's a shame really, since I already have a pretty good lighting setup at home. I'm sure she'd turn me down based on this conversation we had the last time a celeb sex tape surfaced;
me: "I wonder when they're going to stop calling them sex tapes."
Marney: "What?"
me: "Its all digital now. No one shoots tape anymore."
Marney: "You are such a dork."
me: "I guess 'sex file' or 'sex mp4' doesn't have the same ring as sex tape. If I had one, it would be a streaming sex FLV."
Marney: "Gross."
The way I see it, there is a simple solution. I need someone else to send me their sex tape, and I'll superimpose my head on the dude's body. I'll film my head in similar lighting and camera angles, key out the background, plop it on top of the original sex tape and motion keyframe the hell out if it. Then I just re-dub any dialog, render, export and biggity-bam! Fame, here I come.
Hell, I could do it frame by frame in Photoshop if I had to. The hard part (insert your own 'hard part' pun here) will be getting my hands on a sex tape featuring a guy of similar build. Additionally, my tape will get more attention if my female co-star is famous. So, I need a six foot tall, fair-haired famous guy who regularly beds famous women to film the act and then send me an uncompressed MOV file.
Matthew McConaughey, I'm looking in your direction.
Once my sex tape gets "leaked" to TMZ, our celebrity-crazed media will clamor find out who I am and how I scored such a famous babe. Hopefully Matthew McConaughey doesn't have any easily identifiable tattoos or birthmarks. That could blow the whole thing. Tell you what, Matt, just shoot it in that eerie green night-vision mode. That'll make you a bit harder to see. Thanks, big guy.
Anyhoo, the gossip sites will track me down eventually. I'll tell them I'm a fundraiser for those with weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases. With any luck it will become the cause du jour! Before you know it Bill Gates will be hosting a black tie fundraiser for ALS research and regular folks will be paying $10 to download my sex tape... with all the proceeds going to research, of course.
This plan can't fail!!
The team's title sponsors are RadioShack and Lance's LiveStrong Cancer foundation. LiveStrong has raised over $180 million for cancer research.
Which got me thinking - where is the rare motor neuron disease big gun? You've got the Jerry Lewis telethon, Micheal J. Fox's Parkinsons thing, and... well, that's it.
Where's the big celebrity fundraiser for weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases? I'll tell you where.
Right here.
I'm gonna be the next big thing in disease-related awareness generation and fund raising. Hell, our ALS Assassination Squad raised $9,150 in like, six weeks. The only problem with my plan is I'm not a huge celebrity. Yet. If there's one thing I've learned from TV & the internet, it's how to get headlines. There's a sure-fire way to the top.
I need to release a sex tape.
I know, without asking, that my wife will not be on board. It's a shame really, since I already have a pretty good lighting setup at home. I'm sure she'd turn me down based on this conversation we had the last time a celeb sex tape surfaced;
me: "I wonder when they're going to stop calling them sex tapes."
Marney: "What?"
me: "Its all digital now. No one shoots tape anymore."
Marney: "You are such a dork."
me: "I guess 'sex file' or 'sex mp4' doesn't have the same ring as sex tape. If I had one, it would be a streaming sex FLV."
Marney: "Gross."
The way I see it, there is a simple solution. I need someone else to send me their sex tape, and I'll superimpose my head on the dude's body. I'll film my head in similar lighting and camera angles, key out the background, plop it on top of the original sex tape and motion keyframe the hell out if it. Then I just re-dub any dialog, render, export and biggity-bam! Fame, here I come.
Hell, I could do it frame by frame in Photoshop if I had to. The hard part (insert your own 'hard part' pun here) will be getting my hands on a sex tape featuring a guy of similar build. Additionally, my tape will get more attention if my female co-star is famous. So, I need a six foot tall, fair-haired famous guy who regularly beds famous women to film the act and then send me an uncompressed MOV file.
Matthew McConaughey, I'm looking in your direction.
Once my sex tape gets "leaked" to TMZ, our celebrity-crazed media will clamor find out who I am and how I scored such a famous babe. Hopefully Matthew McConaughey doesn't have any easily identifiable tattoos or birthmarks. That could blow the whole thing. Tell you what, Matt, just shoot it in that eerie green night-vision mode. That'll make you a bit harder to see. Thanks, big guy.
Anyhoo, the gossip sites will track me down eventually. I'll tell them I'm a fundraiser for those with weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases. With any luck it will become the cause du jour! Before you know it Bill Gates will be hosting a black tie fundraiser for ALS research and regular folks will be paying $10 to download my sex tape... with all the proceeds going to research, of course.
This plan can't fail!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
neuron sing-along
My love/hate relationship with my motor neurons is well documented on this blog. They love to hate me, and I'm OK with that.
However, sometimes your neurons can team up and do some pretty neat stuff — like know the next note in a song you've never heard before. Bobby McFerrin breaks it down;
I love how this is simultaneously über-geeky and pretty... kinda like a math teacher I once dated.
However, sometimes your neurons can team up and do some pretty neat stuff — like know the next note in a song you've never heard before. Bobby McFerrin breaks it down;
I love how this is simultaneously über-geeky and pretty... kinda like a math teacher I once dated.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The EMG Test
There are two basic components of an EMG, the nerve function and muscle function tests. The former involves getting shocked a bunch, the latter involves getting a two inch needle jabbed in to various muscles while you flex. Fun!
My very first EMG went like this; I started but putting on one of those sexy open-in-the-back hospital gowns and immersing my feet & arms in a pair of sinks. They didn't tell me about the soaking part before my appointment. Well, they sort of did.
Nurse: "Oh good, you're here early. They love it when they can get you soaking."
Me: ...(uncomfortable pause).."Um, soaking?"
Nurse: "Yeah, you soak the part their testing in water. Didn't they tell you that?"
Me: "Must have slipped their minds."
----moments later-----
Nurse 2: "Come on back Colin, we'll get your arms and legs soaking."
Me: "And legs? It's just my left hand."
Nurse 2: "It says here the doctor wants to check all of your extermities."
Me: "Hmmm." (Internally: "SHIT!")
Apparently your skin zaps easier if it's wet. Who knew. The neurologists at the U of MN don't make you soak... they use a needle microphone that goes in your skin instead of on it. Ow.
Once I was sufficiently soggy, the doctor took me into another room & started taped little electrodes to my hand. He then took a medical-grade tazer and started zapping my arm. It hurt a bit, but it was cool to watch my hand flopping around. I asked how many volts the thing put out. He said "Oh, it goes up 150, but the current is only on for 1-2 milliseconds, so there isn't enough amperage to do any damage." Oh good! I thought running household current through my extremities would be dangerous.
After zapping came the Muscle test. He put away the tazer and took out what I can only describe as an electric stethoscope and a large needle that was hooked up to some sort of jumper cable. The electric stethoscope was taped to my forearm, and the needle was inserted into several of my muscles. He'd get the needle in, graph some sort of baseline, then have me flex my muscle with the needle still in it.
All of my subsequent tests have played out pretty much the same. Occasionally one of my muscles, usually a calf, will cramp up with the needle still inside. The feeling of individual muscle fibers sticking to a needle as it's extracted is one of the most stomach turning sensations ever. By the end of the test, you end up feeling like you fell off a cliff while being stung by bees.
But, it's not all bad. Here are some comic highlights from my EMG this morning.
Dr 1 to Dr 2: "I didn't get a strong F wave that time. Don't you hate that?"
Me: "Don't even get me started! F waves these days"
Dr 3 to Dr 2: "I need another alcohol." (referring to an alcohol wipe)
Me: "I'll take an alcohol too. Dry with 2 olives please."
A collection of things the doctors said that totally sounded pervy;
• Put more goo on your probe.
• Now just stick it in.
• Try to straddle his muscle.
• Push it in at a 45 degree angle.
• You might need to get it wet again.
• Yeah, that looks like a good 20 centimeters.
• You've got a nice long humerus.
• This is going to be a big one.
• Now pull it out.
My very first EMG went like this; I started but putting on one of those sexy open-in-the-back hospital gowns and immersing my feet & arms in a pair of sinks. They didn't tell me about the soaking part before my appointment. Well, they sort of did.
Nurse: "Oh good, you're here early. They love it when they can get you soaking."
Me: ...(uncomfortable pause).."Um, soaking?"
Nurse: "Yeah, you soak the part their testing in water. Didn't they tell you that?"
Me: "Must have slipped their minds."
----moments later-----
Nurse 2: "Come on back Colin, we'll get your arms and legs soaking."
Me: "And legs? It's just my left hand."
Nurse 2: "It says here the doctor wants to check all of your extermities."
Me: "Hmmm." (Internally: "SHIT!")
Apparently your skin zaps easier if it's wet. Who knew. The neurologists at the U of MN don't make you soak... they use a needle microphone that goes in your skin instead of on it. Ow.
Once I was sufficiently soggy, the doctor took me into another room & started taped little electrodes to my hand. He then took a medical-grade tazer and started zapping my arm. It hurt a bit, but it was cool to watch my hand flopping around. I asked how many volts the thing put out. He said "Oh, it goes up 150, but the current is only on for 1-2 milliseconds, so there isn't enough amperage to do any damage." Oh good! I thought running household current through my extremities would be dangerous.
After zapping came the Muscle test. He put away the tazer and took out what I can only describe as an electric stethoscope and a large needle that was hooked up to some sort of jumper cable. The electric stethoscope was taped to my forearm, and the needle was inserted into several of my muscles. He'd get the needle in, graph some sort of baseline, then have me flex my muscle with the needle still in it.
All of my subsequent tests have played out pretty much the same. Occasionally one of my muscles, usually a calf, will cramp up with the needle still inside. The feeling of individual muscle fibers sticking to a needle as it's extracted is one of the most stomach turning sensations ever. By the end of the test, you end up feeling like you fell off a cliff while being stung by bees.
But, it's not all bad. Here are some comic highlights from my EMG this morning.
Dr 1 to Dr 2: "I didn't get a strong F wave that time. Don't you hate that?"
Me: "Don't even get me started! F waves these days"
Dr 3 to Dr 2: "I need another alcohol." (referring to an alcohol wipe)
Me: "I'll take an alcohol too. Dry with 2 olives please."
A collection of things the doctors said that totally sounded pervy;
• Put more goo on your probe.
• Now just stick it in.
• Try to straddle his muscle.
• Push it in at a 45 degree angle.
• You might need to get it wet again.
• Yeah, that looks like a good 20 centimeters.
• You've got a nice long humerus.
• This is going to be a big one.
• Now pull it out.
EMG
I'm having another EMG test this friday. This will be my 8th or 9th. I think EMG stands for Electrocution Motherf*cking Grandiose.
I'll work on a write-up of what this test entails. Spoiler alert! It falls between waterboarding and getting your finger stuck between the prongs of a plug in an outlet.
I should have known it was bad when, before my first EMG, I told my mom the brochure said I might experience some discomfort. She told me the child birth brochure the hospital gave her warned she "might experience some discomfort." Go find a woman who had a kid sans painkillers. Ask her what "some discomfort" feels like. (warning - not for the squeamish)
Tune in later this week and I shall regale you with tales of needles, tazers, more needles and puncture wounds. I may even share my patented post-EMG pain cure. (Spoiler alert! BOOZE!)
I'll work on a write-up of what this test entails. Spoiler alert! It falls between waterboarding and getting your finger stuck between the prongs of a plug in an outlet.
I should have known it was bad when, before my first EMG, I told my mom the brochure said I might experience some discomfort. She told me the child birth brochure the hospital gave her warned she "might experience some discomfort." Go find a woman who had a kid sans painkillers. Ask her what "some discomfort" feels like. (warning - not for the squeamish)
Tune in later this week and I shall regale you with tales of needles, tazers, more needles and puncture wounds. I may even share my patented post-EMG pain cure. (Spoiler alert! BOOZE!)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
live blogging an MRI - theoretically
I had a MRI of my neck done the other day. Just a follow-up because thats what my doctor likes to do. Which, of course, means my insurance covers it.
I thought it would be cool to liveblog the MRI (blog about it as it happens). Unfortunately metal and high powered electromagnets, like the ones in MRI machines, don't play nice. So I tried to commit the experience to memory and then expunge it in theoretical liveblog format. Enjoy.
6:26 PM - I can't believe they are open this late.
6:28 PM - I hate these dumb forms. Ooh - I get to choose an XM radio station to listen to in the MRI tube. The all hair-metal station is tempting, but... 24/7 Led Zeppelin station, here I come.
6:29 PM - I am going to rock the hell out in that MRI machine. I hope they play Kashmir.
6:30 PM - There's a box I need to check if I have a penile implant. What the hell is a penile implant made of? Also, what is a penile implant? Note to self - work on penile implant punchlines before next MRI.
6:32 PM - This nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen. (editor's note; Seriously. Wow. Picture Penelope Cruz as the hot doctor in Sahara, glasses and all, only hotter and with darker hair. Seriously.)
6:35 PM - Remove all metal objects. Check.
6:36 PM - Laying on a slab. About to go in a magnet tube. MRI tech guy informs me the 24/7 Zep station is seasonal. That's right, seasonal. The christmas station is on all year, Zep is November 1 to December 31. I'm going with 60s and 70s classic rock instead.
6:37 PM - Tech dude puts a weird cage thing over my neck. It's all white & sorta looks like what would happen if Apple designed the lower portion of Darth Vader's helmet.
6:38 PM - I'm in the MRI machine tube. Here come the tunes... wait for it... Grand Funk Railroad! We're an American band indeed.
6:39 PM - What the hell is that klaxon alarm!?!? Oh yeah, it's the MRI doing it's thing. Soothing.
6:45 PM - Wait, is this... I think it is...
6:46 PM - It is! "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who!
6:49 PM - BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! YYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!
6:50 PM - Keith Moon was the shit.
6:53 PM - I hope the next song rocks. Kick Out the Jams would be perfect.
6:54 PM - Your kidding me. It's "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles. These guys need to work on their playlists. Helter Skelter would have worked.
6:56 PM - Leaving the tube. Time for a contrast injection.
6:57 PM - I ask the MRI tech if he'll be able to hear me in the tube if I sing along with The Who. He tells me not to because I'll move too much. This guy has no sense of humor.
6:58 PM - I bet that hot nurse would have laughed.
6:58 PM - I wonder who they practice on when learning how to inject someone. It seems tricky, but then again, heroin junkies do it.
7:00 PM - Back in the tube for scan number two.
7:01 PM - Hey, it's a Doobie Brothers tune. That'll work.
7:03 PM - Without LOOOOOOOooooooOOOOVE!
7:05 PM - I wonder what they do if a really fat guy needs an MRI. It's not exactly spacious in here.
7:06 PM - Thank god I didn't go to Chipotle for dinner. Farting in this thing would suck.
7:08 PM - I could go for a Hopslam and some nachos.
7:09 PM - Hey, I'm done!
7:10 PM - Again, this nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen.
I thought it would be cool to liveblog the MRI (blog about it as it happens). Unfortunately metal and high powered electromagnets, like the ones in MRI machines, don't play nice. So I tried to commit the experience to memory and then expunge it in theoretical liveblog format. Enjoy.
6:26 PM - I can't believe they are open this late.
6:28 PM - I hate these dumb forms. Ooh - I get to choose an XM radio station to listen to in the MRI tube. The all hair-metal station is tempting, but... 24/7 Led Zeppelin station, here I come.
6:29 PM - I am going to rock the hell out in that MRI machine. I hope they play Kashmir.
6:30 PM - There's a box I need to check if I have a penile implant. What the hell is a penile implant made of? Also, what is a penile implant? Note to self - work on penile implant punchlines before next MRI.
6:32 PM - This nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen. (editor's note; Seriously. Wow. Picture Penelope Cruz as the hot doctor in Sahara, glasses and all, only hotter and with darker hair. Seriously.)
6:35 PM - Remove all metal objects. Check.
6:36 PM - Laying on a slab. About to go in a magnet tube. MRI tech guy informs me the 24/7 Zep station is seasonal. That's right, seasonal. The christmas station is on all year, Zep is November 1 to December 31. I'm going with 60s and 70s classic rock instead.
6:37 PM - Tech dude puts a weird cage thing over my neck. It's all white & sorta looks like what would happen if Apple designed the lower portion of Darth Vader's helmet.
6:38 PM - I'm in the MRI machine tube. Here come the tunes... wait for it... Grand Funk Railroad! We're an American band indeed.
6:39 PM - What the hell is that klaxon alarm!?!? Oh yeah, it's the MRI doing it's thing. Soothing.
6:45 PM - Wait, is this... I think it is...
6:46 PM - It is! "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who!
6:49 PM - BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! YYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!
6:50 PM - Keith Moon was the shit.
6:53 PM - I hope the next song rocks. Kick Out the Jams would be perfect.
6:54 PM - Your kidding me. It's "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles. These guys need to work on their playlists. Helter Skelter would have worked.
6:56 PM - Leaving the tube. Time for a contrast injection.
6:57 PM - I ask the MRI tech if he'll be able to hear me in the tube if I sing along with The Who. He tells me not to because I'll move too much. This guy has no sense of humor.
6:58 PM - I bet that hot nurse would have laughed.
6:58 PM - I wonder who they practice on when learning how to inject someone. It seems tricky, but then again, heroin junkies do it.
7:00 PM - Back in the tube for scan number two.
7:01 PM - Hey, it's a Doobie Brothers tune. That'll work.
7:03 PM - Without LOOOOOOOooooooOOOOVE!
7:05 PM - I wonder what they do if a really fat guy needs an MRI. It's not exactly spacious in here.
7:06 PM - Thank god I didn't go to Chipotle for dinner. Farting in this thing would suck.
7:08 PM - I could go for a Hopslam and some nachos.
7:09 PM - Hey, I'm done!
7:10 PM - Again, this nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen.
Monday, January 19, 2009
i didn't break a pole, but thanks for asking
Each of the last 3 times I've cross country skied at Hiawatha golf course, I've been asked the same 2 questions;
"Did you break a pole?" and "So... what's wrong with your arm?" (I love the way Minnesotans start random questions or statements with "so". It's our favorite segue.)
The 'did you break a pole' inquiry has been asked of me while skiing by another skier. It plays out like this;
Guy: Dude, did you break a pole?
Me: No, I got a bad hand so I use one pole.
Guy: Oh, sorry man.
Me: No problem Have a good ski!
The three guys who have asked looked like they genuinely felt bad about asking if I broke a pole. I'm not sure why, I think that's a perfectly logical question to ask. I'd make the same assumption if I saw a 2-armed man using one ski pole.
The second question I get plays out in the parking lot when I'm putting my skis in the car. Each time it's been asked by a guy I passed, so they had ample time to watch my left arm flop around.
Guy: So, what's wrong with your hand/arm?
Me: I've got this rare motor neuron thing that makes my arm weak, so I just use one pole.
Guy: Man, that sucks. Sorry.
Me: It's not that bad, but going uphill is kinda hard.
Guy: Will it get better eventually?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Man, that sucks. Sorry.
Oddly enough, in two years not a single triathlete or runner has asked what's up with my arm. In the span of a week, six skiers inquired about it.
Maybe it has something to do with runners or triathletes generally being in a pack & skiers being spaced out single file. Maybe skiers are looking around & enjoying the scenery while runners are busy checking heart rate monitors and triathletes are staring at cadence or wattage meters.
However, my guess is that skiers stand out against the snow and are easy to see. Runners aren't looking at people's arms, they are looking for a port-a-potty. And triathletes are ogling each others bikes the way most guys ogle boobs.
"Did you break a pole?" and "So... what's wrong with your arm?" (I love the way Minnesotans start random questions or statements with "so". It's our favorite segue.)
The 'did you break a pole' inquiry has been asked of me while skiing by another skier. It plays out like this;
Guy: Dude, did you break a pole?
Me: No, I got a bad hand so I use one pole.
Guy: Oh, sorry man.
Me: No problem Have a good ski!
The three guys who have asked looked like they genuinely felt bad about asking if I broke a pole. I'm not sure why, I think that's a perfectly logical question to ask. I'd make the same assumption if I saw a 2-armed man using one ski pole.
The second question I get plays out in the parking lot when I'm putting my skis in the car. Each time it's been asked by a guy I passed, so they had ample time to watch my left arm flop around.
Guy: So, what's wrong with your hand/arm?
Me: I've got this rare motor neuron thing that makes my arm weak, so I just use one pole.
Guy: Man, that sucks. Sorry.
Me: It's not that bad, but going uphill is kinda hard.
Guy: Will it get better eventually?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Man, that sucks. Sorry.
Oddly enough, in two years not a single triathlete or runner has asked what's up with my arm. In the span of a week, six skiers inquired about it.
Maybe it has something to do with runners or triathletes generally being in a pack & skiers being spaced out single file. Maybe skiers are looking around & enjoying the scenery while runners are busy checking heart rate monitors and triathletes are staring at cadence or wattage meters.
However, my guess is that skiers stand out against the snow and are easy to see. Runners aren't looking at people's arms, they are looking for a port-a-potty. And triathletes are ogling each others bikes the way most guys ogle boobs.
Monday, September 22, 2008
this motor neuron disease is trippy
You know what's really nutty about monomelic amyotrophy? You can see it.
Granted, you can't see it in the literal, microscopic, holy-crap-there-goes-another-neuron sense, but you still get to watch it in action.
Hypothetically... say you have cancer. You know it's in an internal organ. You know it hurts. It's beneath your skin (assuming it's not skin cancer) and you don't have to look at it.
As I sit here, my tricep is going crazy. It's twitching around like you wouldn't believe. It's twitching because the motor neuron that tells that muscle either "FIRE!" or "chill, baby" is dying. As a result, my tricep gets pieces of info that cause it to spasm uncontrollably.
Remember the movie Crimson Tide where the nuclear sub gets part of a transmission about firing it's ICBMs? Gene Hackman & Denzel Washington go nuts about whether or not to launch the nukes? They totally freak out & try to arrest each other as they inch closer to all out armageddon. One of them wants to launch, one wants to wait for confirmation. Well, that's what's goin' down in my tricep.
Except my tricep isn't as devastatingly handsome as Denzel, as ferocious of an actor as Hackman, and - to my knowledge - not as radioactive as a nuclear sub.
Anyway - here's to hoping (raises a beverage of some sort) you never have to watch a disease lay waste to an appendage. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that out-of-sight truly is out-of-mind when it comes to an ailment whomping on your person.
Granted, you can't see it in the literal, microscopic, holy-crap-there-goes-another-neuron sense, but you still get to watch it in action.
Hypothetically... say you have cancer. You know it's in an internal organ. You know it hurts. It's beneath your skin (assuming it's not skin cancer) and you don't have to look at it.
As I sit here, my tricep is going crazy. It's twitching around like you wouldn't believe. It's twitching because the motor neuron that tells that muscle either "FIRE!" or "chill, baby" is dying. As a result, my tricep gets pieces of info that cause it to spasm uncontrollably.
Remember the movie Crimson Tide where the nuclear sub gets part of a transmission about firing it's ICBMs? Gene Hackman & Denzel Washington go nuts about whether or not to launch the nukes? They totally freak out & try to arrest each other as they inch closer to all out armageddon. One of them wants to launch, one wants to wait for confirmation. Well, that's what's goin' down in my tricep.
Except my tricep isn't as devastatingly handsome as Denzel, as ferocious of an actor as Hackman, and - to my knowledge - not as radioactive as a nuclear sub.
Anyway - here's to hoping (raises a beverage of some sort) you never have to watch a disease lay waste to an appendage. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that out-of-sight truly is out-of-mind when it comes to an ailment whomping on your person.
Friday, July 25, 2008
fun things to do when you have a rare motor neuron disorder
Step 1) When explaining your motor neuron disorder to someone, be specific. Give them a bunch of details.
Step 2) Wait for that person to say something to the effect of, "Wow, that really sucks."
Step 3) Respond with "Yeah, but the worst part is it's really contagious. You should probably wash your hands soon."
Step 4) Enjoy their panicky expression for no longer than 2 seconds. One to two seconds is funny. Three or more & you're just being a dick. Don't be a dick, man. You're better than that.
Step 2) Wait for that person to say something to the effect of, "Wow, that really sucks."
Step 3) Respond with "Yeah, but the worst part is it's really contagious. You should probably wash your hands soon."
Step 4) Enjoy their panicky expression for no longer than 2 seconds. One to two seconds is funny. Three or more & you're just being a dick. Don't be a dick, man. You're better than that.
Friday, May 2, 2008
May is a busy month
May is 2 things to two very different groups of people. It is Bike to Work Month and ALS Awareness month. Unfortunately, I doubt there's much cross-over.
I bike to work every month, so nothing really changes for me. The only difference is I'm going to take a slightly longer route on the way home, which will give a weekly tally of 100 miles. It's a more scenic route (Uptown lakes & Minnehaha parkway) than my normal route (midtown greenway, Portland Ave, 42nd Street) so it should be fun.
For ALS month, I'm going to do something this year. I may run a 5K that benefits ALSA, but I need to make sure that's the official race charity. If not, I might just donate to the cause. I spent a year thinking I had ALS, and it was pretty god damn scary. There was more than one occasion when a muscle twitch sent me into a sobbing panic.
Luther alum and sports junkie Nick has some tips on his blog for raising ALS awareness. Check it out.
I recommend getting one of these & wearing it while you bike to work.
I bike to work every month, so nothing really changes for me. The only difference is I'm going to take a slightly longer route on the way home, which will give a weekly tally of 100 miles. It's a more scenic route (Uptown lakes & Minnehaha parkway) than my normal route (midtown greenway, Portland Ave, 42nd Street) so it should be fun.
For ALS month, I'm going to do something this year. I may run a 5K that benefits ALSA, but I need to make sure that's the official race charity. If not, I might just donate to the cause. I spent a year thinking I had ALS, and it was pretty god damn scary. There was more than one occasion when a muscle twitch sent me into a sobbing panic.
Luther alum and sports junkie Nick has some tips on his blog for raising ALS awareness. Check it out.
I recommend getting one of these & wearing it while you bike to work.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
up & running
Behold, in all it's splendor, the monomelic-amyotrophy-tasic blog!
This baby sprang from a post I made on the MDRA blog last year.Not long after making the post another blogger commented on how it took forever for her son to be diagnosed with monomelic amyotrophy. A few months later another woman commented on her boyfriend likely having it, not being able to find info online about it.
I mean, people are googling this motor neuron disorder, and finding a running blog. That's how little info there is out there. All we know is there is no cure or treatment, and there are fewer than 200,0000 cases nation-wide.
And I thought to myself, "That's just nuts."
So that's where monomelic-amyotrophy-tasic! comes from. I'll be blogging about the disorder, how it impacts everything from swimming to biking to cooking, and I'll even link to pertinent medical research, should any be produced.
I'll no doubt be ranting about other stuff as well. It is an election year after all.
This baby sprang from a post I made on the MDRA blog last year.Not long after making the post another blogger commented on how it took forever for her son to be diagnosed with monomelic amyotrophy. A few months later another woman commented on her boyfriend likely having it, not being able to find info online about it.
I mean, people are googling this motor neuron disorder, and finding a running blog. That's how little info there is out there. All we know is there is no cure or treatment, and there are fewer than 200,0000 cases nation-wide.
And I thought to myself, "That's just nuts."
So that's where monomelic-amyotrophy-tasic! comes from. I'll be blogging about the disorder, how it impacts everything from swimming to biking to cooking, and I'll even link to pertinent medical research, should any be produced.
I'll no doubt be ranting about other stuff as well. It is an election year after all.
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