the gimpy gourmet

Here are a few gizmos i use in the kitchen on a daily basis.

Top left is the mezzaluna knife. It's kinda like what would happen if the rocker knife and a hatchet got down and then had kids... somehow. Also, it chops herbs! Woo!

Moving along in a clockwise fashion, we have the garlic robot. It's basically a mini-cuisinart which is powered by rolling it back and forth on the little grey wheels. It dices 3-4 cloves at a time. I suppose one could use it for making pesto a tablespoon at a time too.

Finally, we have an herb / leafy green slicer my sister gave me. I forgot what it's called, so I refer to it as "Satan's pizza wheel." It slices basil four times faster than a single blade. Also, it's wicked fun to use.

Just don't confuse it with your pizza cutter. Eating 'za a quarter inch at a time is a major drag.

Possibly the coolest, and easily the most Metal utensil ever

Right. Long story short, my diagnosis of Monomelic Amyotrophy has been changed to Probable ALS. That means my symptoms don't match MMA anymore, but they don't yet match ALS. The good news is that the fine folks at the Minnesota ALS Association are here to help. They provided me with a sweet shirt button hook buttoner thingy, some rocking jar-opening sticky stuff, and this:

That bad mo-fo is called a "rocker knife". Honestly. These should be in every store. See it demolishing that New York strip? I just lay my hand on the object to be cut, rock my hand back and forth, and cut the holy hell out of that thing. I can't believe these aren't available to the general population at Target!

I thought "Rocker Knife" sounded like a good title to an album for a metal band. So, here it is:
(click for larger view)

And...I'd be remiss if I didn't make a tracklist for such a heavy CD.

nemesis

Over the last 2 years & change I've adapted pretty well to life with one working hand. I'm even getting pretty good at making it through my day with 50% function in my good thumb.

But every now & then life serves up a curve ball. Hell, thy name is 'buffet'. I went through a wedding sample tasting buffet line this week and it sucked out loud.

Getting food at a buffet (like one you might find at a wedding or corporate event) used to be easy. Hold plate left handed, serve food right handed. Sometimes I'd switch it up for fun. I think ambidexterity is the product of being raised by a left handed dad & right handed mom.

Nowadays (is nowadays even a word? whatever.) I can barely hold a plate left handed, and it shakes all over the place. Not a stable platform for piling one's dinner. I ultimately place my plate on the table, which garners some strange looks from other buffet-goers. I then transfer food from the steam tray down to my plate.

This is where things get tricky. Remember that 50% function in my good thumb? It now has to make the long trek from tray to plate, tongs in hand, without dropping any food. This is way harder than it sounds. I get nervous that I'm about to send au gratin potatoes or whatever splattering across the floor - which makes me shaky & panicky - which weakens my grip and makes me more likely to drop something. It's a vicious circle, man.

Getting back to my table can bring another challenge. If I was dumb enough to grab something tough, roast beef for example, I'll need help cutting it. Being 30 years old and having my wife or mom cut my food is just plain weird. No one wants to see that, especially me.

Public service announcement time: If you have a friend with monomelic amyotrophy, do not take them to a function with a buffet line. It's like serving yourself a garden salad of terror and herb-roasted fear with a side of sautéed sadness on a plate of despair. OK, maybe it's not that bad.

Substitute poached trepidation and a dinner roll for the salad.

There will be Guac

Last post I put out a call for everyone to drop what they were doing & invent an avocado-scooper-outer so I could continue making guacamole. Turns out it already exists:

The avocado gods have smiled upon me. By avocado gods, I mean my friend Ali, who sent me this link.

Wouldn't it be something if I actually prayed before the altar of avocado gods? Why in the world would I need polytheistic sub-tropical fruit deities? You think one avocado lord would be enough. Oh well, it still wouldn't be as weird as Scientology.

In tri-related news, Strib columnist Stephen Regenold has a great writeup on the growth of youth triathlons. Good stuff.

In not related to anything news, this track is blowing my mind:

It's a techno mix comprised almost entirely out of audio from Alice in Wonderland. I don't particularly like techno, but I can't stop listening to this track. It's just so freakin' chill. If I pulled a Lewis Carroll & took hallucinogenic drugs, this would be the soundtrack to my trip. Of course I won't do that, because drugs are bad. Just say no, kids.

catastrophy!

Over the last year & a half I've gotten used to not being able to do lots of stuff. Last night I got hit with a bombshell.

I couldn't scoop out an avocado to make guacamole!!

I'll give you a moment to compose yourself...

Now then, my recipe called for 2 avocados. I scooped one and a half successfully. By the last half, my left arm was too tired to finish the job. Fortunately, Marney (my wife) came to my rescue. She also bailed me out on a ziploc bag-closing emergency. Thanks, sweetie.

I'm putting an open call out to all inventors and crackpots. I need an avocado-scooper-outer machine. A world without fresh guac is not a world I am prepared to live in. This a goddam emergency people!

Drop what you're doing, call in sick, cash in your 401K if you have to. Let's get this scooper-outer built! I'm not letting my guac-making ability fall by the wayside. Not on my watch.