facemelter

Part of my job (a small part) involves subtitling our training videos in various languages. It's a copy & paste job — not difficult, but kinda boring. To make it interesting, I listen to music from my subtitle language's country of origin. For example, when I worked on Swedish subtitles I listened to Opeth and The Hives. When I worked on Portuguese I listened to Seu Jorge.

This week I'm subtitling in German. My soundtrack has been a German group my sister introduced me to — speed metal band Accept. I present, for your head banging pleasure, their biggest hit... Fast as a Shark.

Fast. As a goddamn Shark. I don't even know what that means, but I love it!

YouTube also has this live version, intercut with 20 seconds of the lead singer in a speedo flying a radio controlled airplane for some reason. The twin Flying V attack at 2:15 will melt your face off.

drug trials part three

Today I pay homage to the inventor of some of the most “creative” drug trials the world has ever seen. His ability to combine various controlled substances was matched only by the volume of substances consumed.

I'm talking, of course, about Keith Moon.

(not pictured: sanity)

His drumming, for The Who, was absolutely insane. His ability to destroy hotel rooms was even more insane. He once celebrated his birthday by drunkenly parking a car at the bottom of a swimming pool.

My favorite Keith Moon drug trial took place on November 20, 1973. He passed out an hour into their show after consuming a huge amount of animal tranquilizers mixed with brandy. These weren't “mellow your dog out at the vet's office” drugs, these were “drop a charging rhino in its tracks” drugs. before consuming said drugs, he was heard to remark, "Of course I can take it! I'm Keith F**king Moon!" Unfortunately, he could not take it.

Cool side note, Pete Townsend asked the crowd if anyone there knew how to play drums. A kid named Scot Halpin did, so he jumped on stage and played the rest of the show. In true Keith Moon style, the band gave Scot a shot of brandy to calm his nerves before he played.

Despite Moon's truly inspiring and innovative drug trials, I will not be following his lead. It would probably be fun for a while, but the fun ends with an overdose of Clomethiazole.

Also, I am not a fan of brandy.

long time, no post

First off, the turnout for the ALS walk was so huge that we used up all of our extra shirts, plus the ones we ordered for out of towners. So, a new order is being placed and everyone who ordered a shirt will have one soon.

Second, a friend of a friend knows a music prof from Xavier. He will be teaching Heavy Metal class next year. Awe. Some.

Here's the description from the class catalog;
"Now over 40 years old, Heavy Metal continues to reflect the hopes and fears of its audience - especially its fears - and has sparked more controversy and heated debate than any other genre. We will examine the music itself along with its cultural context; issues such as the impact of music on its listeners, censorship and freedom of expression, the role of women (as fans, artists, and objects of misogyny), sexual liberation, fear of nuclear holocaust, and witchcraft/Satanism will figure prominently. We will examine Metal’s emergence around 1970 in bands such as Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple, then study styles and issues from the 70s to the present. Bands covered include Judas Priest, Scorpions, Kiss, Iron Maiden, Venom, Mötley Crüe, Anthrax, Cannibal Corpse and Cradle of Filth."

I can't imagine anything cooler than listening to grindcore for homework.

quiz answers

Here are the answers to yesterday's test for heavy metal:

1) Bassist Cliff Burton
2) C
3) Hellfest
4) A
5) F,E,A,C,B,D
6) Motörhead
7) All of them are horrible, but A is the best answer as evidenced by this atrocity.
8) The Umlaut
9) Judas Priest & Dokken
10) None more black

rock.

guess what I get to do today

No, that isn't a gas can you're looking at. It's the receptacle I get to pee in for the next 24 hours.

My doctor ordered a 24 hour urine collection to test for heavy metals. Lovely. I don't know why I can't just pee on a magnet and then bring it to the doctor. Last night I hung out with the guys, so I'm guessing my pee will test high for bratwurst and hops.

I think the doctors are going about this the wrong way. So, I've designed my own test. If you score over 50%, you test positive for heavy metal.

1) Which member of Metallica was killed in a tour bus accident?

2) Which of the following is not a Black Metal band?
a. Venom
b. Mütiilation
c. Rocker Knife
d. Bloodthorn

3) What Metal music festival takes place in Clisson, France?

4) Identify the proper phonetic spelling of the first guitar solo in Judas Priest's Painkiller?
a. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyBWAAAAaauuu
b. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyGRRRRRAaaaaa
c. BeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyWWAAAAUUUuuuuuuuu
d. BeedadeMeedlyBeedadeMeedlyBeedadeBBRRRAAAAaaaa

5) Rank the following in ascending order of importance according to Metal's cosmic hierarchy.
a. Swords
b. Fire
c. Dragons
d. Satan
e. Skulls
f. Lightning

6) What Speed Metal band wanted to be the "dirtiest band in the world?"

7) What is the lamest incarnation of Metal?
a. Nu Metal
b. Screamo
c. Hair Metal
d. Christian Metal

8) What is the most overused diacritic mark in Metal?

9) What band was playing in the documentary Heavy Metal Parking Lot?
*Extra Credit; Who was the opening act?

10) How much more black could the Smell the Glove album cover be?

That's the end of the test for Heavy Metal. Did you pass?

its been a while since i did a top 5...

So, here's my top 5 favorite songs to play the drums to/with... in no particular order...

Interpol - No I In Threesome
Interpol is the kind of band that makes you feel cool just for knowing about them. Also, I love how this seemingly sweet song goes off the rails at the end (the title kinda gives it away).

The Black Crowes - Sometimes Salvation
Sometimes the ride cymbal needs a workout. This tune is happy to oblige. Also, the studio version is one of the most technically perfect recordings I've heard. Each note is spot on.


Guns n Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
There's a special place in my heart for dirty-ass, straight up rock. Also - there's cowbell in the chorus!


Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
This is one of the, if not THE prettiest, breakup song of all time. I've always maintained the best songs were about breakups or heroin, so that's saying something.
Side note: I would kill to see Ben Folds cover this song. That would be epic.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
It's just one long-ass innuendo, and playing it as loud as you can only helps. Chad Smith has the best job.

the rocker knife in action

A surprising number of people have asked me about how well the rocker knife works. I figured it would be easiest to just show you the thing in action:

Rocker Knife is Back

You couldn't stay away from Rocker Knife. You knew it.

Thank your lucky stars your face hasn't melted yet.

And the track list:

Possibly the coolest, and easily the most Metal utensil ever

Right. Long story short, my diagnosis of Monomelic Amyotrophy has been changed to Probable ALS. That means my symptoms don't match MMA anymore, but they don't yet match ALS. The good news is that the fine folks at the Minnesota ALS Association are here to help. They provided me with a sweet shirt button hook buttoner thingy, some rocking jar-opening sticky stuff, and this:

That bad mo-fo is called a "rocker knife". Honestly. These should be in every store. See it demolishing that New York strip? I just lay my hand on the object to be cut, rock my hand back and forth, and cut the holy hell out of that thing. I can't believe these aren't available to the general population at Target!

I thought "Rocker Knife" sounded like a good title to an album for a metal band. So, here it is:
(click for larger view)

And...I'd be remiss if I didn't make a tracklist for such a heavy CD.

train(ing) tracks

This Saturday is the Spin for ALS, presented by the GW Tri Club, at SCS Multisport. Its a spin as long as you want thing that raises money for the ALS association. My motor neuron disease is basically a stones throw from ALS, so I'll be attending and donating to the cause. I'll also be wearing my Luther bike jersey in memory of Nick.

I'm guessing they'll have a Spinervals dvd or some tunes on during the spin. In an attempt to make your Friday rock a little harder (or possibly scare the hell out of you) here are my top 5 favorite songs to blast when I'm on the bike trainer.

Mastodon - "Where Strides the Behemoth"
The last 30 seconds of this song are so heavy, you can't not sprint. *Bonus! On the video below, they go straight in to "Mother Puncher" which is in my top 10 training tunes.


Mastodon - "Crystal Skull"
This song kinda scares me, which is great when I'm trying to ride faster.


The Hives - "Hate to Say I Told You So"
Swedes in suits rocking out. What's not to like?


Electric Six - "Gay Bar"
This tune is fast as hell and always makes me crack a smile.


Mastodon - "The Wolf is Loose"
The first time I heard this song, it made me want to outrun something. That's a good feeling to have when riding a stationary bike in a basement.


And just you don't think I'm crazy, here's what I listen to at work or in the car.

live blogging an MRI - theoretically

I had a MRI of my neck done the other day. Just a follow-up because thats what my doctor likes to do. Which, of course, means my insurance covers it.

I thought it would be cool to liveblog the MRI (blog about it as it happens). Unfortunately metal and high powered electromagnets, like the ones in MRI machines, don't play nice. So I tried to commit the experience to memory and then expunge it in theoretical liveblog format. Enjoy.

6:26 PM - I can't believe they are open this late.

6:28 PM - I hate these dumb forms. Ooh - I get to choose an XM radio station to listen to in the MRI tube. The all hair-metal station is tempting, but... 24/7 Led Zeppelin station, here I come.

6:29 PM - I am going to rock the hell out in that MRI machine. I hope they play Kashmir.

6:30 PM - There's a box I need to check if I have a penile implant. What the hell is a penile implant made of? Also, what is a penile implant? Note to self - work on penile implant punchlines before next MRI.

6:32 PM - This nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen. (editor's note; Seriously. Wow. Picture Penelope Cruz as the hot doctor in Sahara, glasses and all, only hotter and with darker hair. Seriously.)

6:35 PM - Remove all metal objects. Check.

6:36 PM - Laying on a slab. About to go in a magnet tube. MRI tech guy informs me the 24/7 Zep station is seasonal. That's right, seasonal. The christmas station is on all year, Zep is November 1 to December 31. I'm going with 60s and 70s classic rock instead.

6:37 PM - Tech dude puts a weird cage thing over my neck. It's all white & sorta looks like what would happen if Apple designed the lower portion of Darth Vader's helmet.

6:38 PM - I'm in the MRI machine tube. Here come the tunes... wait for it... Grand Funk Railroad! We're an American band indeed.

6:39 PM - What the hell is that klaxon alarm!?!? Oh yeah, it's the MRI doing it's thing. Soothing.

6:45 PM - Wait, is this... I think it is...

6:46 PM - It is! "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who!

6:49 PM - BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! BAdaDAAAAAAA BA BA! YYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!

6:50 PM - Keith Moon was the shit.

6:53 PM - I hope the next song rocks. Kick Out the Jams would be perfect.

6:54 PM - Your kidding me. It's "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles. These guys need to work on their playlists. Helter Skelter would have worked.

6:56 PM - Leaving the tube. Time for a contrast injection.

6:57 PM - I ask the MRI tech if he'll be able to hear me in the tube if I sing along with The Who. He tells me not to because I'll move too much. This guy has no sense of humor.

6:58 PM - I bet that hot nurse would have laughed.

6:58 PM - I wonder who they practice on when learning how to inject someone. It seems tricky, but then again, heroin junkies do it.

7:00 PM - Back in the tube for scan number two.

7:01 PM - Hey, it's a Doobie Brothers tune. That'll work.

7:03 PM - Without LOOOOOOOooooooOOOOVE!

7:05 PM - I wonder what they do if a really fat guy needs an MRI. It's not exactly spacious in here.

7:06 PM - Thank god I didn't go to Chipotle for dinner. Farting in this thing would suck.

7:08 PM - I could go for a Hopslam and some nachos.

7:09 PM - Hey, I'm done!

7:10 PM - Again, this nurse is the hottest nurse I have ever seen.

something to shoot for

I've seen the future of my drumming. It's 8-bit.

Yowza.

Try as I might, I don't think that level of playing is in my future. On the plus side, I can almost play "Gay Bar" by Electric Six.

Rawk.

there's hope for the future

Kids are hilarious.

Last weekend, my little 7 year old cousin-in-law & I did a little post-xmas rocking out on my drum set. I kept time on the high hat while she wailed on the toms & occasionally gave the ride a workout.

After a couple of "songs" (each of which ended when she hit the crash cymbal) she said, "Let's play another one!" She then proceeded to raise her little arms above her head, band her drum sticks together four times, and count off "One, two, three four!" before tearing in to another song.

She never saw me do that, she just did it on her own. Maybe she's in to Loverboy or something.

I wish I was that cool when I was seven.

it's about time i put some original art on this mo-fo

Many moons ago, when I launched my website, I suggested that anyone else with Monomelic Amyotrophy contact me so we could start a metal band called "Bring Out the Gimp". Several dudes with MMA have contacted me & referenced my theoretical band in their email, which is awesome. Incidentally, if we ever do start an MMA band called Bring Out the Gimp, do not come see us. Seriously, you will not survive our live show. We will rock that hard. There will be a five kilometer safe zone around us. We will melt the devil's face. Satan sold his soul to our band to keep us from turning our amps up past "8". I might ask my brother-in-law join us on stage. He's the 6' 6" singer of Mantys and sounds like this.

Seriously, don't come to our show.

Anyhoo, I haven't designed suitably 'core album cover art for our band yet. Although, I figured once our gimpy band starts rocking, other gimpy bands are sure to follow. As such, I spent my evening (my Friday evening, because that's how much I love other MMA-havers out there) designing logos for pro-neuron disease bands who want to rock. Rip these off as needed. Contact me if you need a high-res version for your MMA band.

Amy O'Trophy - traditional Irish folk music

Atrophy - probably some hipsters re-hashing the Strokes

Amy-O - bad ass female rapper. She'll cut a bitch.

Neuron Disease - Heavy duty Russian punk band. They're connected. I'm just sayin'.

the monomelics - Here's a logo for a sad-sack emo band. Mopey bastards.

I bring the noise, but I kinda phone in the funk

Here's the combo of neoprene & velcro that facilitates my rocking of the drums.

It was originally designed to alleviate tennis elbow pain. Turns out it also alleviates non-drumstick-hold-ification. I can usually make it through a song or two before I need to adjust it.

I hear both my drumming, and whatever song I'm playing along with via iPod, in my headphones. Everyone else just hears muffled tapping. The first time my father in law heard me drumming, he asked my wife if one of the cats was barfing. Seriously. My drumming sounds like a cat puking. That's how hard I rock. Apparently.

After playing Rock Band, I looked for info on the game being used for physical rehab. Surprisingly, I couldn't find any. The Wii seems to have the video game PT (Physical Therapy) market cornered.

I also couldn't find any articles about drumming being used for PT (though it's been done for music therapy). I guess no one else with a degenerative motor neuron disease ever though, "Well, I can't play guitar or mandolin anymore. I better learn to drum." I love the way my screwy mind works. That bass-ackwards pile of grey matter never does me wrong.

I do know that no matter how good I get, I'll never be the best disabled drummer of all time. Most people think of Rick Allen from Def Leppard when you say 'disabled drummer'. He lost his left arm in a car accident, but continued with the band by playing an electric kit.

However, Rick Allen wasn't the first. A guy named Stevie beat him to it.





Holy. Shit.

Did you see that?

Hummingbirds don't move that fast.

the greatest music video ever, EVER!

Rock, revenge, swords and copious amounts of beer. Perfect.

bring the noise

I just ordered a fancy electronic drum kit. RAWK! I can't wait for that sucker to arrive. I'm going to keep my arms from getting too weak & lay down some funky ass beats at the same time. I may also lay down some dope beats & heavy beats. Possibly even a break beat will make a guest appearance once I figure out 5/4 time.

I used to play guitar & harmonica at the same time, so I'll have to learn simultaneous harmonica & drums. I'm sure it's possible.

In other news, I've heard from 2 more dudes with Monomelic Amyotrophy this week (what's up Ian & Tony!) Which brings the total number of MMA cases I've heard of to eight. I even have a follower of this blog now, so I feel motivated to be funny... or at least spell check this thing.

I created a Facebook group called "People with Monomelic Amyotrophy (MMA)" which thus far only has two members. If you have MMA, quit reading this blog and get your gimpy ass on Facebook. We'll upload photos & share stories and figure out what our similarities are. Lord knows the medical & pharmaceutical industries aren't going to help us out. There just isn't enough money to be made from 8 guys who have trouble tying shoes & opening jars.

RAWK!!!

I freakin' LOVE the game Rock Band! I played it for the first time this weekend (on an x-box 360 console & 46" HD TV) while visiting friends in Iowa City.

I've played Guitar Hero before, but always managed to suck it up. Even when my left hand still worked OK, and I was still playing guitar, I couldn't get beyond the medium level without getting booed off the stage.

With rock band I tried playing the bass lefty on Easy & got booed off the stage in under a minute. I could finger the notes, but couldn't hit the strum bar at the right time. So I tried singing & held my own on Medium. Not bad.

My first attempt on the Drums resulted in 80% on easy for the Weezer song "Say it Ain't So". I moved up to Medium & scored an 88%. Better. I moved up to Hard & scored another 88%.

How did I rock the drums with a gimpy hand, you ask? Rubber bands. Check it:

After a break for dinner & several hoppy refreshing beverages, my "bandmates" and I went for broke on expert level. (Incidentally, I decided our band name should be the "Gutter Sluts") On attempt number 5 or 6, we finally made it through "Say it Ain't So" on the Expert level. Behold our bitchin' score:

Awww, yeah! 85% on expert after less than 3 hours of playing. Granted, this is one of the easier songs. I tried drumming to a difficult one & bombed out after 30 seconds.

I looked around online for stories about people using Rock Band for physical rehab, but couldn't find any. I worked my arm all evening without even realizing I was doing it! There is definitely a drum kit in my future. I think I'll get one of those electronic ones that uses headphones. I'm sure Marney & the cats will appreciate it.

Of course, I couldn't have rocked without my band mates.

Hopefully we'll get in a world tour before the usual drug & groupie-fueled lifestyle tears us apart, only to reunite on VH-1 in 20 years. I'm guessing talented guitar god Matt will be the one who says "It used to be about the music, man!" while Dr. Andrew will get all the chicks as lead singer. That leaves me with booze, pills, or heroin... or a combination of the three. It's going to be a wild ride.

ouch.

The Friday morning 15.5-16 mile run is in the bag. 2:06 total running time. I'm tired. Like, beyond the help of coffee tired. I should have stopped on the way to work to procure some amphetamines... or a red bull.

My sleepiness isn't being helped by my musical choice. I've been listening to Elliott Smith for the last 45 minutes. Here's a pretty tune for your enjoyment.

top 5

My top five complete albums - the ones that are so good you don't ever skip a single song (in no particular order):

1) Exile on Main Street, The Rolling Stones - Bluesy, gospely, rocking goodness recorded on both sides of the pond. I want "Let it Loose" played at my funeral. It sounds like goodbye. If I ever make a movie, "Shine a Light" will play over the end credits.

2) Ben Folds Five, Ben Folds Five - Punk rock for sissies at it's finest. "The Last Polka" is one of the best break-up songs ever.

3) American Beauty, The Grateful Dead - Folky perfection on every track.

4) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, The Beatles - Probably the greatest thing ever recorded. I remember playing 3 albums as a kid (once I learned how to operate the record player) Sgt. Pepper's, Paul Simon's Graceland & Harry Nillson's The Point. I remember very little from the latter two, but I can still remember what the Beatles album jacket smelled like. "A Day in the Life" was a mind-blowing opus when I was 6.

The final spot could go to almost anything by Radiohead, Wilco, Elliott Smith or Velvet Underground. But I'm rounding out the list with...

5) Sticky Fingers, The Rolling Stones - A great mix of blues & country. From the coked-up sound of "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" to the slow burn of "Moonlight Mile", not a single track disappoints.