drug trials part three

Today I pay homage to the inventor of some of the most “creative” drug trials the world has ever seen. His ability to combine various controlled substances was matched only by the volume of substances consumed.

I'm talking, of course, about Keith Moon.

(not pictured: sanity)

His drumming, for The Who, was absolutely insane. His ability to destroy hotel rooms was even more insane. He once celebrated his birthday by drunkenly parking a car at the bottom of a swimming pool.

My favorite Keith Moon drug trial took place on November 20, 1973. He passed out an hour into their show after consuming a huge amount of animal tranquilizers mixed with brandy. These weren't “mellow your dog out at the vet's office” drugs, these were “drop a charging rhino in its tracks” drugs. before consuming said drugs, he was heard to remark, "Of course I can take it! I'm Keith F**king Moon!" Unfortunately, he could not take it.

Cool side note, Pete Townsend asked the crowd if anyone there knew how to play drums. A kid named Scot Halpin did, so he jumped on stage and played the rest of the show. In true Keith Moon style, the band gave Scot a shot of brandy to calm his nerves before he played.

Despite Moon's truly inspiring and innovative drug trials, I will not be following his lead. It would probably be fun for a while, but the fun ends with an overdose of Clomethiazole.

Also, I am not a fan of brandy.

drug trials part two

Well, I couldn't find any heroin, so I had to skip the Keith Richards drug trial. I have a new plan now. I'm going to base my next drug trial on the “research” of a pro athlete.

I'm not talking about the performance-enhancing type of drugs most pro athletes would use. This is way more unconventional. A fella named Dock Ellis performed some amazing feats of self-medication while playing pro baseball in the 1970s.

In his finest hour, Ellis pitched a no-hitter while bombed out of his gourd on LSD. Here is one of his personal highlights from the game;

“I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate.”

The man was clearly a visionary. Granted, most of his visions were whacked out hallucinations... but they still count for something.

Here's Dock telling this story in his own words:

side note; this might be my favorite thing on YouTube.

drug trials

A friend of mine recently asked if I was doing any ALS drug trials. The last time my clinic was doing a trial, it required being on Rilutek, which I have previously stated sucks, and daily injections of some other drug. My hands aren't coordinated enough to use a syringe so I had to pass on that one.

It got me thinking, maybe I should start my own drug trial. Full disclosure: I don't know one damn thing about pharmacology. Although, it seems like a lot of the doctors researching ALS don't know a whole hell of a lot about pharmacology either. They have been doing drug studies for years and it hasn't made one bit of difference. I certainly can't do any worse.

So, for the rest of this week, or until I get bored with it, I'll propose some drug trials of my own design.

First off is the Keith Richards approach.

Keith has been tried on drug charges five times. He was once busted by the Royal Canadian mounted police with 22 g of heroin on his person. I have to say... that's pretty awesome. Who the hell gets busted by Mounties with enough smack in his pocket that it constitutes “possession for the purpose of trafficking”? On the side he smoked more grass than just about anyone.

Also, he looks like this.

(Not a mummy, this man is actually alive)

I don't know if Keith Richards is the luckiest man alive or just has incredible genes. Most people couldn't walk in his shoes for a weekend, yet he did it for 40 years. I'd like to say I'll be starting the Richards drug trial soon, but I have no idea where to buy heroin.

I do know how to find Mounties-they are just a 5 hour drive north. But without illegal opiates, I'd just to be another tourist.

druggie

Now that I've got probable ALS, my neurologist put me on a little something called Rilutek^®. That's the brand name for a drug called Riluzole - the only thing proven to help people with ALS. It's a glutamine blocker, whatever that is. I would have named it Glutanon, or Blockamine, or Glutanot, or Blockoglutatrol - but they didn't ask me.

I take two 50mg pills per day. Each pill is the size of a TicTac. A one month supply costs over $1000 dollars. That's right, 60 pills costs more than the last bike I bought. Thankfully, my insurance picks up most of that. I asked my doctor why it costs so much. She said, "Because it can." Hey Sanofi-Aventis - screw you.

I asked the nurse how I'd know if it was working. She said "You won't." Wow. For a grand it should at the very least get me high as a kite. Also, the pills should be the size of hockey pucks, shoot rainbows and summon unicorns. I'm just saying, if I buy $1,000 worth of drugs I better be trippin' balls for days. Or be able to sell said drugs to hippies.

Here's were things get funny; the side effects.

I love, LOVE, when drug commercial narrators rattle off the possible side effects. "Try AllergyNo! Side effects may include dry mouth, constipation, explosive diarrhea, blindness, spontaneous combustion, double explosive diarrhea, cough and loss of toes. Ask your doctor about AllergyNo! today."

The Rilutek side effects are (this is verbatim from their web site); "weakness, nausea, lung function decrease, a mild liver disorder that is typically temporary, runny nose and headache."

The first side effect is ''weakness". Weakness. If you have ALS, you're already weak! You've been weak for over a year! The treatment may make you weaker! Wow! Fun! Wow!

I can verify, weakness is the number one side effect. After the first time I took Rilutek, I felt weak. By felt weak, I mean I struggled to lift a 6-pack of beer on to the counter at the liquor store. When I got home, I struggled to walk from the garage to the house. The weakness wore off after an hour or two - much like Han Solo's strength returned after being freed from carbonite.

I don't know what to think when the treatment exacerbates the symptoms. My gut reaction is, drug researchers are idiots.

What have they done for me? I mean, they didn't even get me high.

I should give the Rilutek crew a break since they don't make an E.D. drug. You can't turn on the TV without seeing an ad for Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. Boner pills are readily available, but the one thing that can extend the lifespan of someone with the only disease that is 100% fatal 100% of the time isn't advertised and costs one grand per month.

So, makers of Viagra, Levitra or Cialis - here's your next focus group study. I'm literally doing your jobs for you.

Assemble a bunch of guys with ALS. Ask them if they'd rather;
1) Live.
2) Die with a boner.

Plan your next R&D/Marketing cycle accordingly.

I'm not positive, but I'm guessing guys with ALS would rather see those companies spend their cash on saving lives than doling out stiffies. People are dying.

Where are your prorities? No one ever died from not having a hard-on.