fun and games, well games anyway

One of the drawbacks of having hands that don't function properly is that I can't play most computer games. Console games, like the old school Nintendo I grew up with, require opposable thumbs, which I lack. PC-based games are even more complicated. Many require using both the mouse and keyboard simultaneously. these days, I can move the mouse and click. Believe it or not, that allows me to do well over 90% of my job. I love you, Photoshop.

Here are a few fun games for all of my hand-challenge friends out there:

Bubble Spinner
this game is very simple and terribly addicting. Just shoot little colored balls at balls of the same color to make them disappear. Do not play this at work, it will ruin productivity for the rest of your day.

Hedgehog Launch
a game where you launch a hedgehog into space... A situation I'm sure we're all familiar with. It takes a click/drag with the mouse, any use of the arrow keys to steer. The soundtrack kind of rocks too.

Crush the Castle
This is one of my all time favorite online games. Click once to get your catapult swinging, click again to release your projectile. it gets really fun once you earn explosives. Once you've mastered to the original, check out the Players Pack version.

Canabalt
This game is pure 8-bit awesomeness. Controls are only one button. Press the C key to jump as your little pixel man runs through a crumbling city. Pro tip: the longer you run, the more speed you pick up. Hit a box every now and then to slow down.

Blosics 2
this is a fun little physics shooter. There are piles of things, and apparently you don't like them. Click and drag to shoot them. Repeat as needed.

Splitter
Another fun physics game. This one involves sawing logs via click and drag, and making a little smiley face roll around.

Gimme Friction Baby
a fun but frustrating physics shooter with the best music of any game on this list.

top shelf

I've noticed a problem developing over the last couple of months. I'm experiencing increasing difficulty with reaching objects higher than shoulder height. I can just barely raise my hands above my head these days. If you need to high five me for any reason, get your ass to Minneapolis and do it quick. At home, my hand raising (or lack thereof) isn't much of an issue. I simply don't put away any item that belongs on a high shelf. I told Marney that my behavior is consistent with that of all men and should be embraced and celebrated.

She did not buy it.

Unfortunately, shopping is a bit trickier. Shopkeepers don't consult me when stocking shelves. Wankers. The lot of them.

The problem is almost all the products I like are on the top shelf. It doesn't matter which store I go in to. For example;

Grocery store: The Kashi cereal I like? Top shelf. Half & half? Top shelf. Tonic water? It ain't on the bottom shelf.

Clothing stores: The shirt I like? Top rack. Jeans in my size? Top shelf. Sweet shoes? Opposite of the bottom shelf. That stupid skinny white belt? Within reach.

...And the worst shopping experience of all, the liquor store.

There are two problems at the adult beverage emporium. First, all the stuff I like is literally top shelf booze. I dare you to find a store where Tanqueray 10, Bushmills & Makers Mark are located at waist level. The fun continues in the beer cooler, where Surly, Sierra Nevada, Bells and other forms of deliciousness reside just out of reach.

Problem number two is weight. Glass is heavy. Water-based beverages are heavy. Combine the two and you've got a recipe for uhh... non-liftability.

Obviously, I need a solution to my top shelf woes. Here are my options:

The Billy Mays Gopher

Who doesn't need this product?! Bless you Billy, you cacophonous, coked-up sage.

Scissor Lift

I would change the hell out of every lightbulb in Minnesota if I had one of these.

Jet Pack, a la James Bond

Q tested, Moneypenny approved.

Super Stilts
These must have been built on a dare.

A Compliant Giant

I couldn't find a clip of my favorite quote of his, "Be careful. Men in masks are not to be trusted."

P.S. This is beautiful. We're all on the brute squad.

what to do

Calling all crackpots; I need to figure out what to do with my web site. It's all about me being a triathlete. However, my arms are too weak to do much more than tread water (though I can tread the shit outta whatever water you got. I don't want to brag, I'm just sayin' that if I tread your water, it's going to stay tread.) so I'm not much of a triathlete anymore.

I read somewhere that, internet-wide, religious web sites just barely outnumber porn sites. That makes my web decision easy. I can either;

a) Start a religion
- or -
b) Become a porn star

There's pros and cons of each. I don't think my personality is magnetic enough to be anyone's messiah (this blog only has 2 followers after all). Also, I can't walk on water. (but when it comes to treading water, oh wait - we already covered that) However, I could shoot some video of me walking on a green screen and comp it on to some water video in Final Cut Pro. That would make for some pretty convincing home page footage. The religion itself will be about peace, love and all that crap. Oh, and you have to bike to work on Fridays.

As for becoming a porn star... lets say I don't have the "talent" necessary to break in to the biz. On the other hand, Photoshop to the rescue! Just a bit of work with the magnetic lasso, some free transform, and maybe a quick application of the 'bulge' filter and my calling card photo is ready. All I'll need is a cool stage name like "Brock Rockwell" or "Rod Boulders" or "Saul Shaftstein". I'm a Flash video pro, so getting my vids online would be easy.

P. Nisishuge. Peter Upman.

What say you, internet minions? Should colinfarbotko.com serve a higher power or a lowly vice?

P.S. I could also redirect it to this blog, but that option is a distant third.

snaps

I was just watching this:

When it dawned on me;

I really miss snapping my fingers.

Weird.

nemesis

Over the last 2 years & change I've adapted pretty well to life with one working hand. I'm even getting pretty good at making it through my day with 50% function in my good thumb.

But every now & then life serves up a curve ball. Hell, thy name is 'buffet'. I went through a wedding sample tasting buffet line this week and it sucked out loud.

Getting food at a buffet (like one you might find at a wedding or corporate event) used to be easy. Hold plate left handed, serve food right handed. Sometimes I'd switch it up for fun. I think ambidexterity is the product of being raised by a left handed dad & right handed mom.

Nowadays (is nowadays even a word? whatever.) I can barely hold a plate left handed, and it shakes all over the place. Not a stable platform for piling one's dinner. I ultimately place my plate on the table, which garners some strange looks from other buffet-goers. I then transfer food from the steam tray down to my plate.

This is where things get tricky. Remember that 50% function in my good thumb? It now has to make the long trek from tray to plate, tongs in hand, without dropping any food. This is way harder than it sounds. I get nervous that I'm about to send au gratin potatoes or whatever splattering across the floor - which makes me shaky & panicky - which weakens my grip and makes me more likely to drop something. It's a vicious circle, man.

Getting back to my table can bring another challenge. If I was dumb enough to grab something tough, roast beef for example, I'll need help cutting it. Being 30 years old and having my wife or mom cut my food is just plain weird. No one wants to see that, especially me.

Public service announcement time: If you have a friend with monomelic amyotrophy, do not take them to a function with a buffet line. It's like serving yourself a garden salad of terror and herb-roasted fear with a side of sautéed sadness on a plate of despair. OK, maybe it's not that bad.

Substitute poached trepidation and a dinner roll for the salad.

et tu, blue jeans?

My days of button fly jeans are coming to a close. What's that, you say? Who wears button fly jeans anymore? I do, dammit! For whatever reason, button flys always fit the best.

Long story long, I can't grip the fly side tight enough to make it through all the buttons without resting. Believe you-me, you get strange looks when you take a jean buttoning breather.

The Lifetime Fitness Tri (my favorite race) is in 2 days. MMA really blows my mind. I can't button pants, but I can race a triathlon. I can swim a mile, but I can't tie my shoes if my hand gets cold.

Hopefully the new QR Hydrofull wetsuit will keep my arm warm enough to function in T1. I'll also be debuting new Look pedal cleats with rubber grips on the bottom. Those will be a nice confidence booster on the run through T1.

In other news, this may be the most creative thing I've ever seen:

This guy made a bunch of old redundant computer hardware perform the song "Nude" by Radiohead (skip ahead to 1:30 to get to the tune). The scanner as a bass is pure genius. I love this kind of stuff.

catastrophy!

Over the last year & a half I've gotten used to not being able to do lots of stuff. Last night I got hit with a bombshell.

I couldn't scoop out an avocado to make guacamole!!

I'll give you a moment to compose yourself...

Now then, my recipe called for 2 avocados. I scooped one and a half successfully. By the last half, my left arm was too tired to finish the job. Fortunately, Marney (my wife) came to my rescue. She also bailed me out on a ziploc bag-closing emergency. Thanks, sweetie.

I'm putting an open call out to all inventors and crackpots. I need an avocado-scooper-outer machine. A world without fresh guac is not a world I am prepared to live in. This a goddam emergency people!

Drop what you're doing, call in sick, cash in your 401K if you have to. Let's get this scooper-outer built! I'm not letting my guac-making ability fall by the wayside. Not on my watch.

zip-locked out

My ziplock bag-opening days are done. The meager amount of pinch strength I can generate (around 2 pounds of force) isn't enough to pull the ziplock open.

In most situations like this, I'd just use my teeth to open the bag. Last night the bag was full of marinading raw chicken. The teeth option did not seem like the wisest course of action. I've never had salmonella before, but an epidemiologist friend tells me it's no picnic. Unless your idea of a picnic is spending a day or two on the toilet. Then salmonella is a friggin festival.

In other news, I spent an hour adding 2 links to my bike chain last night. That job used to take 10 minutes. I better love having a 46 tooth chainring on the Cross Check, because I won't be switching back to a 42 for some time.

et tu, doorknob?

I can't open the back door left-handed anymore. The door knob is a little too small for me to get a grip on the thing. It sucks, 'cause I like gettin' in the back door. Am I right guys? Woo!

Lord, I'm going to hear about that one.

I'll never be a stripper now.

Time for another installment of "the things I used to do".

As of yesterday, I'm no longer able to remove my shirt in a sexy way. You know the way, how you cross your arms & grab your t-shirt near your hip bones & slowly peel it up and over your head. Those days are done.

Just taking a shirt off with one functioning hand is tricky. Taking it off un-sexily is just sad.

the things that I used to do...

Time for a recurring feature on this blog..."The things that I used to do." As in, "I won't do them no more." Guitar Slim? Anyone?


Anyway, there's a lot of stuff I can't do anymore. Today my ability to cut & paste on a Mac keyboard left handed finally died. I haven't been able to do it on a PC keyboard for some time.

R.I.P, cut & paste ability. You were taken before your time.