Wednesday, November 25, 2009

the next big thing

Lance Armstrong recently announced his team roster for the 2010 season. It includes Mid-West badass Bjorn Selander. A few years ago, he was a local high school kid who kicked the crap out me & everyone else at cyclocross races. Pretty cool to see him at the top of the sport at such a young age.

The team's title sponsors are RadioShack and Lance's LiveStrong Cancer foundation. LiveStrong has raised over $180 million for cancer research.

Which got me thinking - where is the rare motor neuron disease big gun? You've got the Jerry Lewis telethon, Micheal J. Fox's Parkinsons thing, and... well, that's it.

Where's the big celebrity fundraiser for weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases? I'll tell you where.

Right here.

I'm gonna be the next big thing in disease-related awareness generation and fund raising. Hell, our ALS Assassination Squad raised $9,150 in like, six weeks. The only problem with my plan is I'm not a huge celebrity. Yet. If there's one thing I've learned from TV & the internet, it's how to get headlines. There's a sure-fire way to the top.

I need to release a sex tape.

I know, without asking, that my wife will not be on board. It's a shame really, since I already have a pretty good lighting setup at home. I'm sure she'd turn me down based on this conversation we had the last time a celeb sex tape surfaced;

me: "I wonder when they're going to stop calling them sex tapes."
Marney: "What?"
me: "Its all digital now. No one shoots tape anymore."
Marney: "You are such a dork."
me: "I guess 'sex file' or 'sex mp4' doesn't have the same ring as sex tape. If I had one, it would be a streaming sex FLV."
Marney: "Gross."

The way I see it, there is a simple solution. I need someone else to send me their sex tape, and I'll superimpose my head on the dude's body. I'll film my head in similar lighting and camera angles, key out the background, plop it on top of the original sex tape and motion keyframe the hell out if it. Then I just re-dub any dialog, render, export and biggity-bam! Fame, here I come.

Hell, I could do it frame by frame in Photoshop if I had to. The hard part (insert your own 'hard part' pun here) will be getting my hands on a sex tape featuring a guy of similar build. Additionally, my tape will get more attention if my female co-star is famous. So, I need a six foot tall, fair-haired famous guy who regularly beds famous women to film the act and then send me an uncompressed MOV file.

Matthew McConaughey, I'm looking in your direction.

Once my sex tape gets "leaked" to TMZ, our celebrity-crazed media will clamor find out who I am and how I scored such a famous babe. Hopefully Matthew McConaughey doesn't have any easily identifiable tattoos or birthmarks. That could blow the whole thing. Tell you what, Matt, just shoot it in that eerie green night-vision mode. That'll make you a bit harder to see. Thanks, big guy.

Anyhoo, the gossip sites will track me down eventually. I'll tell them I'm a fundraiser for those with weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases. With any luck it will become the cause du jour! Before you know it Bill Gates will be hosting a black tie fundraiser for ALS research and regular folks will be paying $10 to download my sex tape... with all the proceeds going to research, of course.

This plan can't fail!!


Ali said...

Best. Post. Ever!!!! Thanks for the BIG laugh today. My cheeks hurt from laughing. You rule.

Jidana said...

You need a new label: Perv.