Tuesday, November 17, 2009

top shelf

I've noticed a problem developing over the last couple of months. I'm experiencing increasing difficulty with reaching objects higher than shoulder height. I can just barely raise my hands above my head these days. If you need to high five me for any reason, get your ass to Minneapolis and do it quick. At home, my hand raising (or lack thereof) isn't much of an issue. I simply don't put away any item that belongs on a high shelf. I told Marney that my behavior is consistent with that of all men and should be embraced and celebrated.

She did not buy it.

Unfortunately, shopping is a bit trickier. Shopkeepers don't consult me when stocking shelves. Wankers. The lot of them.

The problem is almost all the products I like are on the top shelf. It doesn't matter which store I go in to. For example;

Grocery store: The Kashi cereal I like? Top shelf. Half & half? Top shelf. Tonic water? It ain't on the bottom shelf.

Clothing stores: The shirt I like? Top rack. Jeans in my size? Top shelf. Sweet shoes? Opposite of the bottom shelf. That stupid skinny white belt? Within reach.

...And the worst shopping experience of all, the liquor store.

There are two problems at the adult beverage emporium. First, all the stuff I like is literally top shelf booze. I dare you to find a store where Tanqueray 10, Bushmills & Makers Mark are located at waist level. The fun continues in the beer cooler, where Surly, Sierra Nevada, Bells and other forms of deliciousness reside just out of reach.

Problem number two is weight. Glass is heavy. Water-based beverages are heavy. Combine the two and you've got a recipe for uhh... non-liftability.

Obviously, I need a solution to my top shelf woes. Here are my options:

The Billy Mays Gopher

Who doesn't need this product?! Bless you Billy, you cacophonous, coked-up sage.

Scissor Lift

I would change the hell out of every lightbulb in Minnesota if I had one of these.

Jet Pack, a la James Bond

Q tested, Moneypenny approved.

Super Stilts
These must have been built on a dare.

A Compliant Giant

I couldn't find a clip of my favorite quote of his, "Be careful. Men in masks are not to be trusted."

P.S. This is beautiful. We're all on the brute squad.

1 comment:

Anna said...

Did you notice that in almost every demonstration of "the gopher," they lifted their arms above their head? kind of defeats the purpose...
...anyhow, i'm surprised you forgot what i consider to be your most obvious solution (turn the music OFF for this one.):
i could totally see you walking into the liquor store with a pair of those.