Fancy new technology

I have some spiffy new software called Mac Dictate. It translates the words I say into a microphone into text on the screen. In fact, I'm just saying the words to this post I'm not typing them. This might be phase 1 in computers taking over and ruling the world, but I don't care, because it's freaking awesome.

it doesn't recognize everything I say just yet. It keeps thinking my wife's name is Monday or money & not Marney. of course the first thing I teach it will be how to recognize swear words. Let's take it for a test drive...

Mother Fokker

okay, I stand corrected, there is only one swear word it didn't recognize. it knew six out of seven words of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television. I must reiterate, this software is freaking awesome.

I kind of feel like Capt. Kirk talking to the enterprise. "Computer. Plot a course to Alpha Centauri." on second thought I feel more like Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. Picard was a pimp. he rocked that bald head better than anyone in the universe. Incidentally, Dictate abbreviated captain and hyphenated Jean-Luc all on its own. Groove on that.

Now that I don't need to type with just two fingers, I'll be able to blog more with less frustration. Sweet! I wonder if it would understand me if I were totally wasted. Computer, pass the Jamison.

Hooray for technology!

i'm back

sorry about the lapse in blogging. as you can see in the photo below, i've been a fish for the last few weeks.

i eventually wound up at a market in Nantes... with a knife in my head.

don't worry, i got better.

the gimpy gourmet

Here are a few gizmos i use in the kitchen on a daily basis.

Top left is the mezzaluna knife. It's kinda like what would happen if the rocker knife and a hatchet got down and then had kids... somehow. Also, it chops herbs! Woo!

Moving along in a clockwise fashion, we have the garlic robot. It's basically a mini-cuisinart which is powered by rolling it back and forth on the little grey wheels. It dices 3-4 cloves at a time. I suppose one could use it for making pesto a tablespoon at a time too.

Finally, we have an herb / leafy green slicer my sister gave me. I forgot what it's called, so I refer to it as "Satan's pizza wheel." It slices basil four times faster than a single blade. Also, it's wicked fun to use.

Just don't confuse it with your pizza cutter. Eating 'za a quarter inch at a time is a major drag.

at last

I'm finally done with this and this (including print jobs for each), mostly done with this, and finished updating this (great pizza, btw).

Regular blogging to resume post haste. Old-timey expressions to continue henceforth. Bully!

done

This might just be the best web site I've created: Save Johanna's Brain

The Neuron Shooter game from my site got a hilarious face lift for Johanna's site.

irons in the fire

I'll be busy this week with a little altruistic side project, so I won't have much to post for a bit. Just for fun, here's a quiz...what do you think is occupying my time?

a) Tiger Woods damage control
b) "Reading" the Tara Reid Playboy issue
c) Building a website for a friend in need
d) Assassinating the Arch-Duke
e) Round-the-clock beer bongs

Here's some music to help you think.

what did I tell you?

In my last post, I postulated that the best way to get famous fast (and then raise money for rare motor neuron disease research) was to release a sex tape.

However, I forgot about twist on the tape - a good old-fashioned affair. Tiger Woods has been in the news non stop for nearly two weeks since it was revealed he was stepping out on his wife.

Rather than going through the effort of forging a sex tape, I'm going to take the Tiger route. Here's a list of people I've had affairs with;*

• Lindsay Lohan
• Kate Gosselin
• Kim Deal
• The flute chick from American Pie
• Neil Patrick Harris
• Taylor Swift
• Anne Hathaway's second cousin Jenny
• That girl who works at the Quizznos near work
• Melissa Stark

I'd like to apologize to my family, blah, blah, blah, I was weak, yadda yadda yadda... and that's it.

Once the media picks up on this post I'll be known as the latest Hollywood lothario. Then I'll go on Larry King and tell the world that, in addition to being a total man-whore, I want to raise the public's awareness of rare, crippling motor neuron diseases. Donations will start flooding in and maybe I'll help some people out.

This plan is just genius.

* Not really