Monday, March 22, 2010

side effects

Every time I visit the good doctors at the HFA ALS clinic, they ask me a standard set of questions. It goes something like this;

Any trouble getting dressed? (yes)
Any trouble doing your job? (not really)
Any difficulty swallowing? (nada)
Any trouble eating or drinking? (not since the Ti spork, baby!)
Any excessive salivating or drooling? (Whaaaaa?)
Any sudden outburst of crying or laughter? (No... unless you count watching Up or this)

Turns out that drooling & laughing/crying uncontrollably are pretty common. I hear those effects generally manifest early on, so it's doubtful they'll show up at this point.

Nonetheless, I gave my wife these instructions; If, at any time, I am simultaneously laughing and drooling - get the video camera. Start shooting, and don't stop for any reason. Uncontrolled hysterics and drool would make a great web video. Or, it could be used in a viral ad campaign for a new extra tangy BBQ sauce or something.

"Howdy, ya'll! Try Smokey Dan's new extra-tangy barbecue sauce! It's made with four kinds of vinegar and jalapenos genetically engineered to be so tart, their mere existence is considered a war crime!" -cut to video of me drooling and laughing with bbq sauce superimposed on my face- "It's so tangy, we make you sign a waiver before you buy it. Rustle up some Smokey Dan's extra-tangy barbecue sauce for your next ho-down! Yeeee-haw!"

On the flip side, here's my plan for drooling while crying; I'm going to lay down in a Thai restaurant parking lot, writhe around and shout;

"Why?!? (sob, sob) Why did I eat that pepper? (sob, sob, drool) They said it was mild!!! (drool, drool) My insides are on fire!!! (sob, drool, sob, drool) Avenge my death! (drool)"

Either way, it's going to be awesome.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Time to rename my blog again

Back when I started this blog in 2008, I called it Monomelic-Amyotrophy-Tastic! About a year ago, my diagnosis changed, so I changed the name to probable ALS definite hilarity. Well, it's due for another name change.

My probable ALS is pretty much a sure thing at this point. That's been the case for a while, I just can't think of a new name for my blog! Really, there was only one place for probable ALS to go -- and that is definite ALS. It's not like the doctors were going to say, "Our bad, turns out you just have a really bad hangnail".

Could you imagine that hangnail? Man, that would suck. And if you got lemon juice on it? Forget about it.

Chances are good, if you can call it good, that I have a variant called Brachial Diplasial ALS. That would explain why my arms grew weak for three years before my legs started getting in on the act.

I'm sure I'll figure out a way to keep being funny despite having a pretty gnarly disease. For example, check out this bit;

At some point the muscles in my face are going to start getting week, and then I'll begin slurring my speech. I'll eventually sound like I'm drunk. Which I figure is the perfect excuse to actually be drunk all the time. Who is going to know?!? I'm already stocking up on flasks, and the mini fridge for beer gets delivered to my office next week.

See? Funny stuff. Who said facing death couldn't be funny? As proof, check out how funny dying can be, and how absolutely hilarious death can be.

Anyway, I'll keep blogging my gimpy little ass off as long as I can. I know there are a lot of people out there with Monomelic Amyotrophy who read this blog and might be freaking out like, "holy crap what if I have ALS?!?!" Well, you probably don't. That is my expert opinion.

I didn't want to get all old and lame anyway. Tell 'em, Joey.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

suck on this

The force of gravity is a son of a bitch. I'm having a hell of a time lifting things up these days. beverages are the worst, due to the risk of spillage. Is spillage even a word? What ever.

Lately I've been sticking it to gravity by using straws. How ya like me now, force of nature? Yes, I'm talking trash to gravity. Isaac Newton did the same thing after that apple bonked him on the head. Well, first he chopped down the apple tree. Then he burned down all the apple trees in Great Britain. And then he killed every man with the last name of Apple in the whole of Europe. Not a lot of people know that, it's just a footnote in history. Anyway, after the apple tree tirade, he told gravity where to stick it.

I've learned a couple of things about which beverages work and don't work with a straw. Some observations;

DO NOT, under any circumstances, drink canned Coke zero through a straw. You will end up with a mouth full of foam the likes of which none have seen. It's like a rabid dog chewing Alka-Seltzer while drinking Diet Coke and eating Mentos. The effects are even worse on an airplane or at altitude.

Red wine through a straw tastes just plain weird. maybe it's because it doesn't aerate or something.

Beer, for the most part, tastes the same through a straw. However, if you find yourself at McMinamin's outside of Portland, and you ask for a straw to go with your porter, the waitress will give you a weird look.

Water, juice, milk, and pretty much every kind of pop tastes just delightful through a straw. As does gin and tonic.

I haven't tried drinking coffee through a straw yet. I have a bad feeling I would end up with a mouth full of molten plastic. That would not be pleasant. Now if somebody would just make a titanium straw...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Check this out

Last Friday was my lucky day. REI got new shipment of these bad boys in;
All hail the titanium spork.

That there red pepper didn't stand a chance. I sporked the hell out of that sumbitch.