Monday, March 22, 2010

side effects

Every time I visit the good doctors at the HFA ALS clinic, they ask me a standard set of questions. It goes something like this;

Any trouble getting dressed? (yes)
Any trouble doing your job? (not really)
Any difficulty swallowing? (nada)
Any trouble eating or drinking? (not since the Ti spork, baby!)
Any excessive salivating or drooling? (Whaaaaa?)
Any sudden outburst of crying or laughter? (No... unless you count watching Up or this)

Turns out that drooling & laughing/crying uncontrollably are pretty common. I hear those effects generally manifest early on, so it's doubtful they'll show up at this point.

Nonetheless, I gave my wife these instructions; If, at any time, I am simultaneously laughing and drooling - get the video camera. Start shooting, and don't stop for any reason. Uncontrolled hysterics and drool would make a great web video. Or, it could be used in a viral ad campaign for a new extra tangy BBQ sauce or something.

"Howdy, ya'll! Try Smokey Dan's new extra-tangy barbecue sauce! It's made with four kinds of vinegar and jalapenos genetically engineered to be so tart, their mere existence is considered a war crime!" -cut to video of me drooling and laughing with bbq sauce superimposed on my face- "It's so tangy, we make you sign a waiver before you buy it. Rustle up some Smokey Dan's extra-tangy barbecue sauce for your next ho-down! Yeeee-haw!"

On the flip side, here's my plan for drooling while crying; I'm going to lay down in a Thai restaurant parking lot, writhe around and shout;

"Why?!? (sob, sob) Why did I eat that pepper? (sob, sob, drool) They said it was mild!!! (drool, drool) My insides are on fire!!! (sob, drool, sob, drool) Avenge my death! (drool)"

Either way, it's going to be awesome.


Anna said...

oh my god, after reading that post, i'm laughing and crying!!! (no drool, though)

Scott said...

the Batman thing made me laugh so hard I forgot I wasn't wearing my condom catheter. Sort of like mouth drooling but not out of my mouth.