retired

I'm officially on the disabled list.

My last day of work was a few weeks ago. My fingers grew too weak to hold the mouse button for more than a second at a time. How am I still blogging, you ask? I can use Mac Dictate to compose about 90% of a post. However, I can't use Dictate to draw in Illustrator, tween in Flash, airbrush in Photoshop, or roll edit in Final Cut. It just isn't possible to say "Draw a rounded rectangle 1200 pixels wide by 800 high in the shade of blue I'm thinking of."

I'm trying to stay away from daytime TV, so most of my time is spent poking around the internet. Lately, this game is occupying most of my time (personal best: 25 days).

I should blog more once I recalibrate Dictate with my new microphone. If you have an idea for a topic I should write about — such as sex tapes, the man, hospital visits — leave it in the comments and I'll do my best to work it in.

woops

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

I managed to snap a foot rest off my chair by shifting my weight while seated. Apparently this thing is held together by cheap Ikea-grade hardware.

I wonder if my AAA membership covers towing and repair of power chairs.

I have achieved the impossible

Throughout history, man has always had one goal. One seemingly impossible dream, held above all others, that might one day be realized. If fortune and the gods smile upon thee, thy quarry may be won. The dream I speak of is, of course, man's desire to leave the toilet seat up.

I have climbed to that mountain top.

My arms are so weak that it takes considerable effort to lift the lid and seat. My wife, in a display of almost unfathomable kindness, has started leaving the seat up for me. It is a beautiful thing.

rule 34

The internet has it's own unique language at times. Since most of the work I do is destined for 'teh interwebs' I'm well-versed in these goofball colloquialisms. One of the webby phrases I know of (but have never had to apply) is Rule 34.

Rule 34 states that, "Pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject." Weird, right?

Well, I started writing a post about moving to L.A. so I could become the world's first wheelchair-bound porn star. After writing the first paragraph, I thought to myself, "I wonder if Rule 34 applies." So, I googled 'wheelchair porn.'

Mother. Of. God.

Google came back with 2,890,000 results. Nearly three million instances of wheelchair porn exist. Suffice to say, I would not be the first. Or second. I'm thinking more 25,000th.

Eeewww.

aware

May is ALS Awareness Month. I'm aware of ALS pretty much all of the time, so I didn't plan anything to mark the occasion.

The ALS Association posted "inspirational" stories of people with ALS over here. The ALS Association's inspiration is all sugar-coated smiles and positivity... it drives me nuts.

I prefer a different style of inspiration. For example, The Oatmeal's profanity-laden take on brain cancer, or this brilliant spot from the Special Olympics.

darque man strikes again

A friend of mine texted me the following photo and message:

"Dude,

This car cut me off in a strip mall parking lot with a Darque Tan!!!"

Same car, same South Dakota plate, same doofus behind the wheel.

He's back.

bank job

At my last ALS clinic, I picked up some info on voice banking. Voice banking is a service provided by the MN ALS Association — they help people record their voice while it's still strong. Those recordings are then input to a communication device or computer. The idea is to save everyday phrases you'll want to continue to say once your voice is gone like, "I love you" or "How was your day?" or "No, officer, I haven't been drinking."

Voice banking won't create words like a text to speech program. It just stores a voice for future use.

But... what if I want to use other voices in the future? My voice is OK, but it could be better. That's why I've started a list of voices I'd like to bank. So far I have;

• Mike Rowe saying pretty much anything
• Alec Baldwin saying pretty much anything
• Sean Connery saying "Good evening, my dear. So nice to see you."
• George Clooney ordering various cocktails
• Christopher Walken yelling "POW!"
• The Dude saying, "Careful man, there's a beverage here!"
• Homer Simpson saying, "Tramampoline! Trabopoline!"

What else should I add to my list?