Saturday, September 18, 2010

traffic Stop

It's been a long time since I was behind the wheel of a car. In fact, I haven't driven since I busted my head back in June. The other day, I saw a dash-cam video of a cop administering a field sobriety test. the suspect was, of course, failing with flying colors. It got me thinking, “what would happen if I were pulled over for suspected drunk driving?”

It would probably be hilarious. Here is my hypothetical traffic stop;

*this scene starts with meme being pulled over on a city street.

Officer #1: “good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “hi, yeah, I uh, kinda swerved back there. I lost my grip on the wheel because I have AL...”
Officer #1: “have you been drinking tonight, sir?”
Me: “no. I'm just heading home from work and my hand slipped beca...”
Officer #1: (cutting me off again) “can I see your license and registration sir?”
Me: * Struggles to open glovebox, can't quite get it open
Officer #1: “please step out of the car sir.”
Me: “oh, okay.”

*I fumble to open the door, and very slowly and cautiously stand up.

Officer #1: “Would you follow me to the back of the car sir?”
Me: “okay.”
Officer #1: “I'm going to give you a field sobriety test. I believe you've been drinking. Are you sure you don't want to tell me the truth?”
Me: “but I wasn't drinking, my hands are weak from A...”
Officer #1: (cuts me off) “please hold your head still, and follow my pen with your eyes.”
*I follow his pen with my eyes
Officer #1: “very good. Now I want you to stand on 1 foot, and recite the alphabet.”
Me: (stands on 1 foot) “A, B, C, D, E, (Wobbles, almost puts foot down) F, G, H, I... whoa!” (nearly falls, puts foot down)
Officer #1:(Activates his radio and calls for backup) “okay, that's enough of that. Sir, I want you to stand with your feet together, put your arms straight out, and touch your index fingers to your nose.”
Me: (struggles to raise arms, they fall back down repeatedly)
Officer #1: “follow my instructions!”
Me: “I'm trying! But my arms don't work because of AL...”
Officer #1: “because you're drunk.”
Me: “no! It's because...”
Officer #1: “ are you getting belligerent with me?”

*Officer #1 prepares to unholster his gun.

Me: “no, I keep trying to tell you that I ...”
Officer #1: “I want you to turn around, face the trunk of your car, and place your hands on your head.”

*Officer #2 arrives as backup, and joins Officer #1.

Officer #2: “What's the problem here?”
Officer #1: “This drunk is refusing to follow instructions.”
Me: “Man, I keep telling you that...”
Officer #2: “Keep quiet and put your hands on your head now!”

*I struggle to put my hands on my head, but can't lift them above my shoulders.

Officer #2: (Draws his taser) “hands on your head!”
Officer #1: “He's not going to comply. hit him!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser, I fall to the ground and flop about like a fish out of water.)

Me: (* foams at mouth)
Officer #1: “now put your hands on your head, or we'll taze you again”
Me: (*struggles to put my hands on my head) “please don't taze me, bro!”
Officer #2: “You've got 5 seconds to put your hands on your head.”
Me: “I can't! I have ALS!”
Officer #2: “The hell is ALS?”
Officer #1: “I think it's like PCP! Hit him again!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser again, I flop around for a few minutes)

Officer #1: (calls dispatch on his radio) “dispatch this is unit 612, I have a uncooperative driver high on ALS, requesting ambulance, over.”
Dispatch: “say again 612, high on what? Over.”
Officer #1: “ALS, that's Alpha, Lima, Sierra, over.”
Dispatch: “ be advised 612, ALS is a degenerative motor neuron disease, not a form of amphetamine. Over.”
Officer #1: “copy that, dispatch. Uh cancel that ambulance request. Over.”

*several moments of stunned silence.

Officer #2: “Oh boy.”
Officer #1: “Yeah...”
Me: “I told you!”
Officer #1: “Okay, son. We'll make this right.”
Officer #2: “Absolutely, were sorry for not understanding you.”
Me: “how do you plan on making this right?!?”

Officer #1: “Can we buy you a beer?”

1 comment:

Charlie said...

Love it, now let's make it happen! "Don't tase me bro"