Monday, July 27, 2009

quiz answers

Here are the answers to yesterday's test for heavy metal:

1) Bassist Cliff Burton
2) C
3) Hellfest
4) A
5) F,E,A,C,B,D
6) Motörhead
7) All of them are horrible, but A is the best answer as evidenced by this atrocity.
8) The Umlaut
9) Judas Priest & Dokken
10) None more black


Sunday, July 26, 2009

guess what I get to do today

No, that isn't a gas can you're looking at. It's the receptacle I get to pee in for the next 24 hours.

My doctor ordered a 24 hour urine collection to test for heavy metals. Lovely. I don't know why I can't just pee on a magnet and then bring it to the doctor. Last night I hung out with the guys, so I'm guessing my pee will test high for bratwurst and hops.

I think the doctors are going about this the wrong way. So, I've designed my own test. If you score over 50%, you test positive for heavy metal.

1) Which member of Metallica was killed in a tour bus accident?

2) Which of the following is not a Black Metal band?
a. Venom
b. Mütiilation
c. Rocker Knife
d. Bloodthorn

3) What Metal music festival takes place in Clisson, France?

4) Identify the proper phonetic spelling of the first guitar solo in Judas Priest's Painkiller?
a. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyBWAAAAaauuu
b. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyGRRRRRAaaaaa
c. BeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyWWAAAAUUUuuuuuuuu
d. BeedadeMeedlyBeedadeMeedlyBeedadeBBRRRAAAAaaaa

5) Rank the following in ascending order of importance according to Metal's cosmic hierarchy.
a. Swords
b. Fire
c. Dragons
d. Satan
e. Skulls
f. Lightning

6) What Speed Metal band wanted to be the "dirtiest band in the world?"

7) What is the lamest incarnation of Metal?
a. Nu Metal
b. Screamo
c. Hair Metal
d. Christian Metal

8) What is the most overused diacritic mark in Metal?

9) What band was playing in the documentary Heavy Metal Parking Lot?
*Extra Credit; Who was the opening act?

10) How much more black could the Smell the Glove album cover be?

That's the end of the test for Heavy Metal. Did you pass?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The EMG Test

There are two basic components of an EMG, the nerve function and muscle function tests. The former involves getting shocked a bunch, the latter involves getting a two inch needle jabbed in to various muscles while you flex. Fun!

My very first EMG went like this; I started but putting on one of those sexy open-in-the-back hospital gowns and immersing my feet & arms in a pair of sinks. They didn't tell me about the soaking part before my appointment. Well, they sort of did.

Nurse: "Oh good, you're here early. They love it when they can get you soaking."
Me: ...(uncomfortable pause).."Um, soaking?"
Nurse: "Yeah, you soak the part their testing in water. Didn't they tell you that?"
Me: "Must have slipped their minds."
----moments later-----
Nurse 2: "Come on back Colin, we'll get your arms and legs soaking."
Me: "And legs? It's just my left hand."
Nurse 2: "It says here the doctor wants to check all of your extermities."
Me: "Hmmm." (Internally: "SHIT!")

Apparently your skin zaps easier if it's wet. Who knew. The neurologists at the U of MN don't make you soak... they use a needle microphone that goes in your skin instead of on it. Ow.

Once I was sufficiently soggy, the doctor took me into another room & started taped little electrodes to my hand. He then took a medical-grade tazer and started zapping my arm. It hurt a bit, but it was cool to watch my hand flopping around. I asked how many volts the thing put out. He said "Oh, it goes up 150, but the current is only on for 1-2 milliseconds, so there isn't enough amperage to do any damage." Oh good! I thought running household current through my extremities would be dangerous.

After zapping came the Muscle test. He put away the tazer and took out what I can only describe as an electric stethoscope and a large needle that was hooked up to some sort of jumper cable. The electric stethoscope was taped to my forearm, and the needle was inserted into several of my muscles. He'd get the needle in, graph some sort of baseline, then have me flex my muscle with the needle still in it.

All of my subsequent tests have played out pretty much the same. Occasionally one of my muscles, usually a calf, will cramp up with the needle still inside. The feeling of individual muscle fibers sticking to a needle as it's extracted is one of the most stomach turning sensations ever. By the end of the test, you end up feeling like you fell off a cliff while being stung by bees.

But, it's not all bad. Here are some comic highlights from my EMG this morning.

Dr 1 to Dr 2: "I didn't get a strong F wave that time. Don't you hate that?"
Me: "Don't even get me started! F waves these days"

Dr 3 to Dr 2: "I need another alcohol." (referring to an alcohol wipe)
Me: "I'll take an alcohol too. Dry with 2 olives please."

A collection of things the doctors said that totally sounded pervy;

• Put more goo on your probe.
• Now just stick it in.
• Try to straddle his muscle.
• Push it in at a 45 degree angle.
• You might need to get it wet again.
• Yeah, that looks like a good 20 centimeters.
• You've got a nice long humerus.
• This is going to be a big one.
• Now pull it out.


I'm having another EMG test this friday. This will be my 8th or 9th. I think EMG stands for Electrocution Motherf*cking Grandiose.

I'll work on a write-up of what this test entails. Spoiler alert! It falls between waterboarding and getting your finger stuck between the prongs of a plug in an outlet.

I should have known it was bad when, before my first EMG, I told my mom the brochure said I might experience some discomfort. She told me the child birth brochure the hospital gave her warned she "might experience some discomfort." Go find a woman who had a kid sans painkillers. Ask her what "some discomfort" feels like. (warning - not for the squeamish)

Tune in later this week and I shall regale you with tales of needles, tazers, more needles and puncture wounds. I may even share my patented post-EMG pain cure. (Spoiler alert! BOOZE!)

Friday, July 10, 2009

what to do

Calling all crackpots; I need to figure out what to do with my web site. It's all about me being a triathlete. However, my arms are too weak to do much more than tread water (though I can tread the shit outta whatever water you got. I don't want to brag, I'm just sayin' that if I tread your water, it's going to stay tread.) so I'm not much of a triathlete anymore.

I read somewhere that, internet-wide, religious web sites just barely outnumber porn sites. That makes my web decision easy. I can either;

a) Start a religion
- or -
b) Become a porn star

There's pros and cons of each. I don't think my personality is magnetic enough to be anyone's messiah (this blog only has 2 followers after all). Also, I can't walk on water. (but when it comes to treading water, oh wait - we already covered that) However, I could shoot some video of me walking on a green screen and comp it on to some water video in Final Cut Pro. That would make for some pretty convincing home page footage. The religion itself will be about peace, love and all that crap. Oh, and you have to bike to work on Fridays.

As for becoming a porn star... lets say I don't have the "talent" necessary to break in to the biz. On the other hand, Photoshop to the rescue! Just a bit of work with the magnetic lasso, some free transform, and maybe a quick application of the 'bulge' filter and my calling card photo is ready. All I'll need is a cool stage name like "Brock Rockwell" or "Rod Boulders" or "Saul Shaftstein". I'm a Flash video pro, so getting my vids online would be easy.

P. Nisishuge. Peter Upman.

What say you, internet minions? Should serve a higher power or a lowly vice?

P.S. I could also redirect it to this blog, but that option is a distant third.