Sunday, July 26, 2009

guess what I get to do today

No, that isn't a gas can you're looking at. It's the receptacle I get to pee in for the next 24 hours.

My doctor ordered a 24 hour urine collection to test for heavy metals. Lovely. I don't know why I can't just pee on a magnet and then bring it to the doctor. Last night I hung out with the guys, so I'm guessing my pee will test high for bratwurst and hops.

I think the doctors are going about this the wrong way. So, I've designed my own test. If you score over 50%, you test positive for heavy metal.

1) Which member of Metallica was killed in a tour bus accident?

2) Which of the following is not a Black Metal band?
a. Venom
b. Mütiilation
c. Rocker Knife
d. Bloodthorn

3) What Metal music festival takes place in Clisson, France?

4) Identify the proper phonetic spelling of the first guitar solo in Judas Priest's Painkiller?
a. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyBWAAAAaauuu
b. MeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyMeedelyGRRRRRAaaaaa
c. BeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyBeedlyWWAAAAUUUuuuuuuuu
d. BeedadeMeedlyBeedadeMeedlyBeedadeBBRRRAAAAaaaa

5) Rank the following in ascending order of importance according to Metal's cosmic hierarchy.
a. Swords
b. Fire
c. Dragons
d. Satan
e. Skulls
f. Lightning

6) What Speed Metal band wanted to be the "dirtiest band in the world?"

7) What is the lamest incarnation of Metal?
a. Nu Metal
b. Screamo
c. Hair Metal
d. Christian Metal

8) What is the most overused diacritic mark in Metal?

9) What band was playing in the documentary Heavy Metal Parking Lot?
*Extra Credit; Who was the opening act?

10) How much more black could the Smell the Glove album cover be?

That's the end of the test for Heavy Metal. Did you pass?


Nate said...

Sounds like they don't know what the hell is going on with ya. Are you seeing a generic Nero-muscular/Sleeping Disorder doc, or a Hospital-based physician? They did that kind of test as a last resort before sending me to some super duper doctor that diagnosed me with MMA with 1 EMG test in my hand and one in my leg. Good luck man.

Anna said...

oh my god, i love you! you may possibly be more metal than me. when you walk through airport metal detectors, they explode.

also, if the jug-o-pee doesn't provide conclusive results, you should find out more about this "super duper doctor" that "nate" mentioned!

Nate said...

James B. Caress, M.D.
Wake Forest University Baptist, NC