suck on this

The force of gravity is a son of a bitch. I'm having a hell of a time lifting things up these days. beverages are the worst, due to the risk of spillage. Is spillage even a word? What ever.

Lately I've been sticking it to gravity by using straws. How ya like me now, force of nature? Yes, I'm talking trash to gravity. Isaac Newton did the same thing after that apple bonked him on the head. Well, first he chopped down the apple tree. Then he burned down all the apple trees in Great Britain. And then he killed every man with the last name of Apple in the whole of Europe. Not a lot of people know that, it's just a footnote in history. Anyway, after the apple tree tirade, he told gravity where to stick it.

I've learned a couple of things about which beverages work and don't work with a straw. Some observations;

DO NOT, under any circumstances, drink canned Coke zero through a straw. You will end up with a mouth full of foam the likes of which none have seen. It's like a rabid dog chewing Alka-Seltzer while drinking Diet Coke and eating Mentos. The effects are even worse on an airplane or at altitude.

Red wine through a straw tastes just plain weird. maybe it's because it doesn't aerate or something.

Beer, for the most part, tastes the same through a straw. However, if you find yourself at McMinamin's outside of Portland, and you ask for a straw to go with your porter, the waitress will give you a weird look.

Water, juice, milk, and pretty much every kind of pop tastes just delightful through a straw. As does gin and tonic.

I haven't tried drinking coffee through a straw yet. I have a bad feeling I would end up with a mouth full of molten plastic. That would not be pleasant. Now if somebody would just make a titanium straw...

Check this out

Last Friday was my lucky day. REI got new shipment of these bad boys in;
All hail the titanium spork.

That there red pepper didn't stand a chance. I sporked the hell out of that sumbitch.

I'm no genius, but sometimes I get it right.

The good folks at the ALS Association, recently sent me a foam cover for utensils. It is supposed to make things like forks or spoons easier to grasp. Unfortunately, it was a little too large for me to use.

This morning, I had a great idea. What about camping utensils? There are ridiculously light versions out there for all the weight weenies who don't want their forks to weigh more than 10 grams. Full disclosure; there was a time when I did a lot of backpacking, and I was dangerously close to being a weight weenie myself.

Anyhoo, I swung by REI and picked up a fancy titanium spoon. It has a nice flat handle that is easy to grab, and it tips the scales at a svelte 9 grams. No more muscle fatigue while eating soup!

They were sold out of the titanium fork, and spork, so I might have to order those online. The idea of a titanium spork is impossibly cool, so I may have to shop around town for one. I mean, we all know the spork is the most awesome utensil ever, and one made out of titanium is doubly cool.

Gimpy brethren, heed my call! Go forth and buy titanium sporks!

P.S. My dictate software initially translated "Gimpy brethren, heed my call" as "Kinky brother in key might call."

I didn't even know I had a kinky brother in the Florida Keys.

Fancy new technology

I have some spiffy new software called Mac Dictate. It translates the words I say into a microphone into text on the screen. In fact, I'm just saying the words to this post I'm not typing them. This might be phase 1 in computers taking over and ruling the world, but I don't care, because it's freaking awesome.

it doesn't recognize everything I say just yet. It keeps thinking my wife's name is Monday or money & not Marney. of course the first thing I teach it will be how to recognize swear words. Let's take it for a test drive...

Mother Fokker

okay, I stand corrected, there is only one swear word it didn't recognize. it knew six out of seven words of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television. I must reiterate, this software is freaking awesome.

I kind of feel like Capt. Kirk talking to the enterprise. "Computer. Plot a course to Alpha Centauri." on second thought I feel more like Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. Picard was a pimp. he rocked that bald head better than anyone in the universe. Incidentally, Dictate abbreviated captain and hyphenated Jean-Luc all on its own. Groove on that.

Now that I don't need to type with just two fingers, I'll be able to blog more with less frustration. Sweet! I wonder if it would understand me if I were totally wasted. Computer, pass the Jamison.

Hooray for technology!

i'm back

sorry about the lapse in blogging. as you can see in the photo below, i've been a fish for the last few weeks.

i eventually wound up at a market in Nantes... with a knife in my head.

don't worry, i got better.

the gimpy gourmet

Here are a few gizmos i use in the kitchen on a daily basis.

Top left is the mezzaluna knife. It's kinda like what would happen if the rocker knife and a hatchet got down and then had kids... somehow. Also, it chops herbs! Woo!

Moving along in a clockwise fashion, we have the garlic robot. It's basically a mini-cuisinart which is powered by rolling it back and forth on the little grey wheels. It dices 3-4 cloves at a time. I suppose one could use it for making pesto a tablespoon at a time too.

Finally, we have an herb / leafy green slicer my sister gave me. I forgot what it's called, so I refer to it as "Satan's pizza wheel." It slices basil four times faster than a single blade. Also, it's wicked fun to use.

Just don't confuse it with your pizza cutter. Eating 'za a quarter inch at a time is a major drag.

at last

I'm finally done with this and this (including print jobs for each), mostly done with this, and finished updating this (great pizza, btw).

Regular blogging to resume post haste. Old-timey expressions to continue henceforth. Bully!