retired

I'm officially on the disabled list.

My last day of work was a few weeks ago. My fingers grew too weak to hold the mouse button for more than a second at a time. How am I still blogging, you ask? I can use Mac Dictate to compose about 90% of a post. However, I can't use Dictate to draw in Illustrator, tween in Flash, airbrush in Photoshop, or roll edit in Final Cut. It just isn't possible to say "Draw a rounded rectangle 1200 pixels wide by 800 high in the shade of blue I'm thinking of."

I'm trying to stay away from daytime TV, so most of my time is spent poking around the internet. Lately, this game is occupying most of my time (personal best: 25 days).

I should blog more once I recalibrate Dictate with my new microphone. If you have an idea for a topic I should write about — such as sex tapes, the man, hospital visits — leave it in the comments and I'll do my best to work it in.

woops

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

I managed to snap a foot rest off my chair by shifting my weight while seated. Apparently this thing is held together by cheap Ikea-grade hardware.

I wonder if my AAA membership covers towing and repair of power chairs.

I have achieved the impossible

Throughout history, man has always had one goal. One seemingly impossible dream, held above all others, that might one day be realized. If fortune and the gods smile upon thee, thy quarry may be won. The dream I speak of is, of course, man's desire to leave the toilet seat up.

I have climbed to that mountain top.

My arms are so weak that it takes considerable effort to lift the lid and seat. My wife, in a display of almost unfathomable kindness, has started leaving the seat up for me. It is a beautiful thing.

rule 34

The internet has it's own unique language at times. Since most of the work I do is destined for 'teh interwebs' I'm well-versed in these goofball colloquialisms. One of the webby phrases I know of (but have never had to apply) is Rule 34.

Rule 34 states that, "Pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject." Weird, right?

Well, I started writing a post about moving to L.A. so I could become the world's first wheelchair-bound porn star. After writing the first paragraph, I thought to myself, "I wonder if Rule 34 applies." So, I googled 'wheelchair porn.'

Mother. Of. God.

Google came back with 2,890,000 results. Nearly three million instances of wheelchair porn exist. Suffice to say, I would not be the first. Or second. I'm thinking more 25,000th.

Eeewww.