I know it's sad, but I can't stop laughing.

acting twice my age

2012-02-01T10:10:00.008-06:00

Here's a fun fact — people with ALS are eligible for Social Security, regardless of age. I guess the government figures we might as well see a little return on those Social Security taxes before we die. OK, maybe that isn't a 'fun' fact, but it's a fact nonetheless.

Since I'm basically retired & on Social Security, I get a lot of mail intended for the 65 and older set. This lovely little brochure showed up the other day:

According to their website, "SilverSneakers is a fun, energizing program that helps older adults take greater control of their health by encouraging physical activity and offering social events."

That sounds delightful, and if I were older than 33 and capable of physical activity I'd be all over it. The SilverSneakers obviously got my info from my insurance company, and I can't fault them for that.

However, I can fault them for this gem.

SilverSneakers has a clip art logo. It makes me sad.

If SilverSneakers was a volunteer organization with a shoestring budget, I'd understand the clip art. Turns out they're a division of a company called Healthways. Healthways is worth about $500 million. They have an original logo, but creating one for SilverSneakers must not have been in the budget. I guess half a billion dollars doesn't go as far as it used to.

C'mon, Healthways — kick a few bucks down to SilverSneakers so they can hire a designer. If you're going to print your logo on a bunch of shirts for old folks, at least make them look kind of cool.

solar

2012-01-24T15:32:00.002-06:00

There's a crazy solar storm heading this way. I hope it's as cool as a solar eclipse.

i wish i'd thought of this

2012-01-10T15:02:00.000-06:00

better late than never... probably

2011-12-21T09:00:00.004-06:00

I planned on returning from my blog hiatus with a fun game for you to play, but I couldn't pull it off. My ActionScript and JavaScript abilities were too rusty to track the score. So here's a free game idea for you Developers.

I was going to call it; "Drunk, Diseased or John Wayne"

The basic concept was this — you would listen to a slurry, sleepy audio clip of a male voice saying a short phrase. Then, you'd decide if the voice you just heard was that of a drunkard, a motor neuron-diseased person, or actor John Wayne.

John Wayne sound clips are easy to find. Recording my own slow speech is easy. Getting a few of my friends loaded and recording them would have been the easiest task, given the massive quantity of Russian Imperial Stout in my fridge. The hard part was that I wanted the game to be 10-15 'questions' long, but I couldn't remember how the scoring worked.

Oh well. I have a feeling "Drunk, Diseased or John Wayne" wouldn't be burning up the iTunes store.

break

2011-09-23T07:06:00.002-06:00

i'll be blogging over here for a bit, keeping people up to date on my sister-in-laws brain tumor surgery. Writing brain tumor jokes instead of ALS jokes is a nice change of pace. Weird, eh?

2011-09-06T13:03:00.015-06:00

I watched The Empire Strikes Back last night for the billionth time. I noticed something new during this viewing... actually, I noticed two things.

First, Leia on Hoth is arguably hotter than Slave Leia in Jedi. Granted, I live in Minnesota so my perspective on such matters might be skewed. Most guys don't find wool scarves & mittens sexy — I am not most guys. I'd love to get her alone in the South passage, if you know what I mean.¹ I'm just saying that I'll take ski bunny Leia over steel bikini Leia any day.

She can fire my ion cannon any time.²

The second thing I noticed is R2D2 goes every place people go (except inside Yoda's house) under his own power. He follows people around on multiple planets and space ships. He travels by rolling. Which means...

THE ENTIRE STAR WARS UNIVERSE IS WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE!!!

Both the rebels and the Empire put ramps and elevators in every damn thing they built. Even the Death Star is easy for R2 to navigate. We never hear C3PO ask Han, "Excuse me, Captain Solo, would help me carry R2 down these stairs?" Han Solo doesn't have time to carry R2 anywhere! He'd probably shoot C3PO just for asking — which would have made the whole trilogy more watchable.

Oddly enough, we don't see anyone zipping around the background in a quasi-futuristic wheelchair. I suppose they have medical regenerative technology that makes wheelchairs obsolete. It worked for Vader...

1. If you know what I mean, you are a geek. And I'm a scruffy looking nerf herder.
2. Get your mind out of the gutter.

i made a funny

2011-08-10T14:12:00.003-06:00

A few days ago, my sister sent me a photo of a bike shop in her town, Nantes, France. It's called Assbike.

Yep, Assbike.

The first thing I thought was, "I want that on a t-shirt!" The second thing I thought was, "More people need to know about this awesomeness."

So, I fired it off to Stevil at All Hail the Black Market and he put it up on today's post.

Spread the word, the Assbike has arrived.

comical

2011-07-28T07:50:00.013-06:00

Have you ever wondered what's the worst thing about being in a fancy power wheel chair?

It isn't the inability to go most places, or spending the whole day sitting, or that it sometimes breaks unexpectedly. No, the worst part is this;

My chair's menu uses the font Comic Sans.

Comic f*#king Sans.

Someone actually made the conscious decision to program my display with a font for children. I spent the last four and a half years of my career on an IT team, and they never used Comic Sans. The Developers I worked with used Arial only, excepting the time one guy used the font Trebuchet in all caps. The other IT boys thought it was awesome.

You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, I like Comic Sans. It's fun and kinda cooky!" Well, I have two things to say to you...

1) There is a time and place for 'fun' fonts.
2) Bite me.

Let me illustrate my point. Which warning below would you most likely heed?

I rest my case.

retired

2011-06-30T16:53:00.002-06:00

I'm officially on the disabled list.

My last day of work was a few weeks ago. My fingers grew too weak to hold the mouse button for more than a second at a time. How am I still blogging, you ask? I can use Mac Dictate to compose about 90% of a post. However, I can't use Dictate to draw in Illustrator, tween in Flash, airbrush in Photoshop, or roll edit in Final Cut. It just isn't possible to say "Draw a rounded rectangle 1200 pixels wide by 800 high in the shade of blue I'm thinking of."

I'm trying to stay away from daytime TV, so most of my time is spent poking around the internet. Lately, this game is occupying most of my time (personal best: 25 days).

I should blog more once I recalibrate Dictate with my new microphone. If you have an idea for a topic I should write about — such as sex tapes, the man, hospital visits — leave it in the comments and I'll do my best to work it in.

woops

2011-06-22T07:44:00.002-06:00

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

I managed to snap a foot rest off my chair by shifting my weight while seated. Apparently this thing is held together by cheap Ikea-grade hardware.

I wonder if my AAA membership covers towing and repair of power chairs.

I have achieved the impossible

2011-06-13T12:15:00.003-06:00

Throughout history, man has always had one goal. One seemingly impossible dream, held above all others, that might one day be realized. If fortune and the gods smile upon thee, thy quarry may be won. The dream I speak of is, of course, man's desire to leave the toilet seat up.

I have climbed to that mountain top.

My arms are so weak that it takes considerable effort to lift the lid and seat. My wife, in a display of almost unfathomable kindness, has started leaving the seat up for me. It is a beautiful thing.

rule 34

2011-06-06T07:12:00.002-06:00

The internet has it's own unique language at times. Since most of the work I do is destined for 'teh interwebs' I'm well-versed in these goofball colloquialisms. One of the webby phrases I know of (but have never had to apply) is Rule 34.

Rule 34 states that, "Pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject." Weird, right?

Well, I started writing a post about moving to L.A. so I could become the world's first wheelchair-bound porn star. After writing the first paragraph, I thought to myself, "I wonder if Rule 34 applies." So, I googled 'wheelchair porn.'

Mother. Of. God.

Google came back with 2,890,000 results. Nearly three million instances of wheelchair porn exist. Suffice to say, I would not be the first. Or second. I'm thinking more 25,000th.

Eeewww.

aware

2011-05-24T10:19:00.004-06:00

May is ALS Awareness Month. I'm aware of ALS pretty much all of the time, so I didn't plan anything to mark the occasion.

The ALS Association posted "inspirational" stories of people with ALS over here. The ALS Association's inspiration is all sugar-coated smiles and positivity... it drives me nuts.

I prefer a different style of inspiration. For example, The Oatmeal's profanity-laden take on brain cancer, or this brilliant spot from the Special Olympics.

darque man strikes again

2011-05-15T14:30:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine texted me the following photo and message:

"Dude,

This car cut me off in a strip mall parking lot with a Darque Tan!!!"

Same car, same South Dakota plate, same doofus behind the wheel.

He's back.

bank job

2011-05-04T12:18:00.002-06:00

At my last ALS clinic, I picked up some info on voice banking. Voice banking is a service provided by the MN ALS Association — they help people record their voice while it's still strong. Those recordings are then input to a communication device or computer. The idea is to save everyday phrases you'll want to continue to say once your voice is gone like, "I love you" or "How was your day?" or "No, officer, I haven't been drinking."

Voice banking won't create words like a text to speech program. It just stores a voice for future use.

But... what if I want to use other voices in the future? My voice is OK, but it could be better. That's why I've started a list of voices I'd like to bank. So far I have;

Mike Rowe saying pretty much anything
Alec Baldwin saying pretty much anything
Sean Connery saying "Good evening, my dear. So nice to see you."
George Clooney ordering various cocktails
Christopher Walken yelling "POW!"
The Dude saying, "Careful man, there's a beverage here!"
Homer Simpson saying, "Tramampoline! Trabopoline!"

What else should I add to my list?

the bird is the word

2011-04-28T19:14:00.016-06:00

This morning, I participated in a Skype Q&A session with some of the fine students at UNMC, moderated by the brilliant Dr. Zimmerman. Talking with med students was a lot of fun, and I'd gladly do it again. It was a serious & scholarly discussion about diagnosing and dealing with ALS.

Until I flipped off the class.

I was in the process of explaining how I use the computer — typing with the on-screen keyboard and clicking the mouse with my middle finger. I stated that I use my middle finger because it's the strongest. That prompted Dr. Z to say, "That must come in handy when someone parks in multiple handicapped spots." (see previous post for reference)

I, without thinking it through, said "Well, I can flex my finger fine, but I can't really extend it." And then, for reasons unknown even to me, I decided to demonstrate my finger extension.

Which is how I flipped the bird to a lecture hall full of people at 9:30 this morning.

Fortunately, my single finger salute got some laughs. Like, a lot of laughs. For posterity, I'll try to recreate my moment of triumph with my webcam.

Hopefully the class learned a thing or two from me that will prove useful in their careers. If not, at least we had a few laughs.

people are idiots

2011-04-26T17:01:00.005-06:00

Check out what we found on our way to pick up dinner:

That would be a Chevy sedan, parked across three handicap parking spaces. No one was waiting in the car, the hazards weren't blinking, the engine wasn't running... it was just parked. In the van accessible spot. In front of Darque Tan.

While Marney picked up dinner, I kept an eye on the Chevy. Seven minutes went by.

Before we left, I asked Marney to take a picture of the car. As soon as she took the camera out, two Darque Tan employees (one man, one woman, both slutty-looking) bolted out of the store. The following exchange took place;

slutty girl, “Hey!”
Marney looks up.
slutty boy, “We are unloading inventory. We’re just unloading inventory.”
Marney, “We have a handicapped van and you are parked in handicapped parking.”
slutty boy, “We were just unloading inventory. I’ll move the car. You can erase that photo.”

Inventory? Do you have a duffle bag full of UV light in your trunk?

South Dakota's 48X 160 — the skeeziest Darque Tan delivery man in the upper Mid-West.

back to school

2011-04-25T18:31:00.005-06:00

No, not that back to school.

I'll being doing a Q&A session via Skype with 150-ish first year medical students at the University of Nebraska this Thursday. The students will get to ask me questions about diagnosing ALS. I'll get to try to not embarrass myself or the professor who invited me. I'm fairly certain I know more about The Simpsons than ALS, but I shall try my best.

So, if you are a doctor-in-training at UNMC, go to your 9:00 lecture and I promise I'll be as entertaining as I can be without swearing.

nosey

2011-04-23T12:10:00.018-06:00

Once again, it's time for tales from Ye Olde ALS clinic. Last time I visited, I endured this trauma. My recent visit was just as entertaining.

The first highlight was weighing my wheelchair. They did this so weighing me will be easier in the future. I'll just drive on to the scale (instead of stepping on it) and they'll subtract the weight of the chair. The chair is 391 pounds. Apparently it is made of lead and concrete. The chair and I combined weigh nearly 600 pounds — and that's why I'm now afraid of driving across wooden bridges. I might fall through.

Highlight number two was meeting with the Speech Pathologist. I haven't seen much of her in past visits, but now my voice is getting noticeably weak. She starts off the testing by having me repeat sounds like "pa pa pa pa" or "tipy, tipy, tipy, tipy." Next, I stick out my tongue and say "la, la, la" a few times.

Then it gets interesting.

The Pathologist puts a little mirror up to my nose and has me repeat the phrase "please put the potatoes in the refrigerator" several times. She's checking a muscle at the back of my pallet — if it's weak, air will pass through my nose and fog up the mirror. Every time she administers this test, I have to fight to not laugh my ass off. I never make it through without cracking up for two reasons.

First, I can't say "please put the potatoes in the refrigerator" without thinking about putting potatoes in the refrigerator. What kind of jackass refrigerates spuds?!? There is no reason whatsoever to keep a potato on ice. If I ever caught someone placing a potato in my fridge, I'd be all like, "You son of a bitch. How'd they get to you? I can not believe the refrigerated potato plot has made it this far. It's time to round up a potato posse. We need to invade Idaho before it's too late!"

The second reason I always laugh during potato time is, she's putting a mirror up to my nose... all I want to do is crack jokes about cocaine. (Crack jokes about cocaine - see what I did there?) What little I know about coke I learned from Rolling Stones songs and watching Blow, but I think I could come up with a few booger sugar punchlines. Last time I took the potato test, I planned on giving the mirror a quizzical look and saying, "Sorry, I'm not used to the mirror being empty." But then I chickened out.

Next time, I'll take a huge sniff just as the mirror reaches my face, then say, "Sorry. Old habits die hard." I may also reference 'disco biscuits' at some point. I think disco biscuits are actually Quaaludes, but I don't care. It's fun as hell to say disco biscuit.

Anyway, as a result of my voice getting weak, the doctors recommended I do something called 'voice banking.' More on that later this week.

is my friend Doss more metal than you?

2011-04-13T11:43:00.003-06:00

Yes. Yes he is. Mostly due to his right shoulder.

carnage

2011-04-11T18:35:00.000-06:00

Hey Colin, are you a good wheel chair driver?

Well... define good.

the april fools that could have been

2011-04-03T09:29:00.007-06:00

I intended to write some sort of zany April Fools Day post, but rebranding a web site or two at work and launching a new site for our accessibility remodelers took up most of my free time. If I had the time, I would have posted about one of the following (completely bogus) topics.

Researchers discover that speedballs slow the progress of ALS.
I modify my wheel chair so it runs on a 250cc dirt bike engine.
I appear on Mythbusters to test the myth that a power chair can tow a semi trailer.
I install Mac OS in my chair's computer an use it as a web server.
I mount a stripper pole on my chair for some reason. (There would have been a great Photoshopped picture with this one.)

outta my sick bed

2011-03-19T20:07:00.005-06:00

I'm finally getting around to posting about my new chair. I'd have done it sooner, but I've been sick for six days. Based on how I felt, I believe I contracted a weaponized flu virus that somehow was leaked by a secret government lab. I didn't think it was possible to feel that crappy and not die.

Anyway, here's what a guy who spent a week in bed looks like in a wheel chair.
Hang on a sec, I think I can get a better picture...

Yeah, that'll do.

Here's a close up of the chair's joystick controller and info screen.

Hopefully I'll get a chance to run some speed trials soon.

at last

2011-03-10T15:41:00.003-06:00

My power chair arrives tomorrow! It comes at the perfect time of year too—every morning there is a nice thin layer of ice (from snow melt) on nearly every horizontal surface in town. I'm going to drive like a damn lunatic on that ice.

Picture this, only with a wheelchair.

grrrrrr

2011-03-04T17:31:00.003-06:00

I've been wanting to write a post about my new wheel chair for two weeks. I haven't written it because my chair hasn't arrived. In fact, my chair hasn't shipped. It was supposed to be here two weeks.

The jackasses at Pride Mobility keep changing the ship date. I called to find out why. Pride Mobility wouldn't tell. As far as I can tell, their call center is staffed entirely by angry, standoffish, snarling beasts of women who are all trying to quit smoking. Those bitches do not want to help you—or answer the phone.

I never could get transferred to the Pride Mobility shipping department. I would have loved to hear their excuse for continually changing the ship date. My guess is that they were busy smoking hash and playing ping pong. I mean, what else could it be?

Dear Pride Mobility, please stop sucking. Pull your collective heads out of your asses, and send me my wheelchair.

I'm just gonna go find a cash machine...

2011-02-20T17:39:00.002-06:00

When I get my power wheelchair, the first thing I'm going to do is visit an ATM.

contextual advertising strikes back

2011-01-23T15:57:00.006-06:00

I knew that last post would bite me in the ass.

When I update this blog, I log in with a Google account. Google advertising provides ad space on millions of web sites. Google knows what I write about because I'm logged in. See where this is going?

Lately I'm seeing a lot of these two.

That's just super. I'm 32 years old and I'm being bombarded by old people urology advertising. At least those ads aren't as odd as this one.

this post gets pretty strange pretty fast

2011-01-09T12:28:00.019-06:00

Last week I had a check-up at the ALS clinic. My breathing strength was still at rockstar levels, which was good. My legs were weaker, which was expected. My power wheelchair has been ordered, but I won't have it for five or six weeks.

Marney and I told my doctors we waited too long to get the power chair. We then asked if there were any assistive devices we should start looking at now. We figured being proactive would help in the long run.

Oh, how I wish I'd kept my mouth shut.

My doctor said that at some point in the future I'll find it difficult to stand up to take a piss. As such, she recommended that I familiarize myself with the condom catheter. You can check one out here. She described it as a condom attached to funnel, attached to a flexible hose. Basically, the condom catheter is a Barbie-sized beer bong.

Here's where things get weird.

The doctor says, "They work great, and the adhesive really holds them in place."
I say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said adhesive."
The doctor says, "That's right. The condom part has adhesive on the inside."

Now, I'm no chemist, but I assume any adhesive you pee on can't be water soluble. I tried to think of what the adhesive could be, and came up with Crazy Glue, caulk, epoxy and PVC cement. My doctor must have noticed I was freaking out on the inside. She tried to assuage my fears by saying, "Hey, men have it way easier than women with this kind of thing." Sure, doc. There's nothing easier than going through life with a condom securely rubber cemented to my dong.*

* This actually would have kicked ass in college.

Anyway, the doctor offered to send me home with some samples so I could get used to the idea. She disappeared for a few minutes, then returned with a large plastic bag stuffed full of things. She announced, "Here's your goodie bag. I gave you two of each size so you can find the one that fits best."

How thoughtful. Also, there are different sizes!?!? I thought condoms came in two sizes, not enough to fill a grocery bag! And I think 'goodie bag' might be a bit of a misnomer. It was the saddest/most disturbing bag of goodies I ever received.

Here's where things get weirder.

My doctor reached in to the bag of woe and pulled out a handy flaccid wang size chart. Yes, such a thing exists. Wanna see it? Of course you don't, but here it is.

Click the pic for a larger view... not that size matters.

After the doctor left the room, I told Marney that I'd hang myself with the XL catheter if I turn out to be a size small. The XL is basically a latex wind sock—so I'm sure it would hold my weight.

test drive

2010-12-23T10:09:00.002-06:00

Last night I visited Reliable Medical to test drive a few wheelchairs. I'm 99% sure I'm going to go with the Quantum Q6 Edge, which sounds more like a car from Infinity than a chair.

If the manufacturer's web site is correct, driving a Quantum chair f*cking rocks! Visit their home page & click the "Q6 Feel the Power" link. You'll see a guy tearing through gravel and zipping along uneven pavement while a Steve Vai-esque soundtrack blares.

ROCK!!!

power wheels

2010-12-06T14:21:00.020-06:00

I recently started the power wheelchair selection process. Today I was measured for a chair (they are custom built) and I got to test drive one.

There are several different control configurations to choose from. There are some that perform better than others on grass or gravel. It's important to choose the model that best fits your needs.

With that in mind, I came up with some questions to ask to make sure you get the chair that's right for you.

Are the foot rests adjustable?
Can the seat height be raised?
Where's the cup holder?
Where's the flux capacitor?
How often should I change the oil?
Is there a bottle opener on this thing?
Does this model have a manual or automatic transmission?
Does it come with a wheelie bar, or is that optional?
Can I get it with all-wheel drive and a roll cage?
Hypothetically speaking, if I strapped water skis to the chair — would a 125hp outboard have enough power to pull me?
On a scale of one to ten, how bulletproof is the chair?
Would I void the warranty if I took the chair to a pool & drove it off the high dive? What about the low dive?
If the battery dies, will the motor run on whiskey? Follow up question; does piloting this chair while intoxicated meet the legal definition of 'drunk driving' in the state of Minnesota?
Is there an ap that would allow me to control the chair from my iPhone?
Does the battery pack enough voltage to jump start a car? How about a human heart?
Could the chair out maneuver a police car... in theory, of course.
Would dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween be too obvious?
How do I join the National Wheelchair Drag Racing Association? Also, is there a National Wheelchair Drag Racing Association?
Do you know of any good wheelchair urban legends I could suggest to The Mythbusters?
Can the seat back recline?

last call

2010-12-01T12:53:00.002-06:00

Orders for the ALS Assassination Squad t-shirts keep coming in, so we are doing another print run. You have until Friday December 3rd to get your order in. Size info is on my website, email me your sizes/quantities.

facemelter

2010-11-18T17:52:00.011-06:00

Part of my job (a small part) involves subtitling our training videos in various languages. It's a copy & paste job — not difficult, but kinda boring. To make it interesting, I listen to music from my subtitle language's country of origin. For example, when I worked on Swedish subtitles I listened to Opeth and The Hives. When I worked on Portuguese I listened to Seu Jorge.

This week I'm subtitling in German. My soundtrack has been a German group my sister introduced me to — speed metal band Accept. I present, for your head banging pleasure, their biggest hit... Fast as a Shark.

Fast. As a goddamn Shark. I don't even know what that means, but I love it!

YouTube also has this live version, intercut with 20 seconds of the lead singer in a speedo flying a radio controlled airplane for some reason. The twin Flying V attack at 2:15 will melt your face off.

vote for the ALS Association

2010-11-16T08:24:00.002-06:00

The Star Tribune (Minneapolis newspaper) is donating a full page ad to a local non-profit organization selected by an online poll. The ad will run in a Sunday edition, seen by more than a million readers. You can nominate the ALS Association, Minnesota/North Dakota Chapter by voting here.

You are required to register with an email address, which is kinda annoying, but it's for a good cause.

this old (remodeled) house

2010-11-11T14:09:00.019-06:00

I'm finally getting around to posting remodel pictures. In order to make our little 1938 house wheelchair accessible, we needed to totally redo the bathroom, widen hallways, and figure out a way to get from the garage to the house without going up or down stairs. We met with a few different contractors, and finally decided to go with AccessAbility Options. That was pretty much the best decision we ever made. They were awesome.

Getting right to it, here is what our dinky little bathroom used to look like.

Then, it looked like this for a while;

Eventually, we ended up with this;

The shower drain was moved to the center of the shower area, and the shower floor slopes gently in that direction. It will allow me to roll on in there when I can no longer walk. Also, the new fixtures, lights and tile totally kick ass. That doesn't relate to accessibility in any way, I'm just really happy with our choices.

Just outside the bathroom is our little hallway. It used to have doorjambs at each end, which were removed, and a hard corner right here where this little cutout is.

Now it looks like this. Surly the cat is demonstrating how much easier it is to make the new wider corner.

Our back door was down one step from the main level of the house. There was no way to bring the door up without messing up the interior stairs, so we figured we should put a new one in. This window seemed like the logical spot, so out it went...

...and in went a new back door.

The new door opens onto our fabulous new deck;

it's quite a bit bigger than the old one, and it's 9 inches taller so I'll be able to roll from the garage, down the "dock"...

...to the deck and into the house without having to go up or down hills or steps.

Construction is on hold for now. We'll pick up again next spring when we put in that half-pipe so I can do stuff like this:

i voted

2010-11-02T17:05:00.009-06:00

i just voted with the help of a ballot-oval-filler-inner-machine thingy. after watching me struggle to sign in, the friendly precinct election officials asked if i wanted to try it out. hell yes i did!

the machine scanned my ballot first. then, it presented each race one at a time on a touch screen. the candidates names showed up as buttons—just tap your choice and move on. it's like someone crossed democracy with an iPad. after i finished filling out my ballot, the machine filled in all the little ovals an spat the ballot out.

side note; you may be one of the many americans who think the very future of humanity hinges on tonight's election results. whether your guy wins or looses, i encourage you to watch the video below. it will make an election, or any contest for that matter, seem utterly insignificant.

re-do

2010-10-21T13:24:00.003-06:00

our house has been in various states of disrepair for three weeks now. well, not 'disrepair' — more like disassembled. a construction crew is busy making our abode wheelchair accessible. there isn't always power or wifi, so i've been slacking on the blog.

work should be done next week. i'll post pictures of our wheeler-friendly updates. in the meantime, here's a halloween costume idea for anyone out there with ALS.

Inked

2010-10-10T09:36:00.005-06:00

About 10 minutes after I came up with the design for this year's ALS walk shirts, I thought to myself, “that would make a kick-ass tattoo.” Turns out it does make a pretty kick-ass tattoo.

behold.

I went to St. Sabrina's in uptown to get a price quote, and to ask about tweaking or shading my design. they had an opening, so I figured “what the hell?”

It's worth mentioning that St. Sabrina's has one tattoo room on the main floor, and the rest are upstairs. Stairs are kind of scary for me to navigate. Taylor, my artist, was nice enough to leave her upstairs station and come down to the main level to do my tattoo. Good stuff.

I've tried to convince Marney and that she should get a giant tattoo of my skull on her back. She wasn't having it.

I need to think of a nickname for my design. So far the front runner is disabilideath, but I think I can do better.

Thank You ALS Assassination Squad

2010-10-03T09:14:00.003-06:00

Thank you very much to everyone that came to the Minneapolis ALS walk last weekend. I really appreciate all of the support. The ALS Assassination Squad t-shirts were a huge hit at the walk, so we are doing another print run. You have until October 15th to get your order in. Order info is on my website.

Here is one of our youngest assassins. Don't be afraid to order a onesie, they're adorable!

here's a good looking group

2010-09-30T07:16:00.001-06:00

traffic Stop

2010-09-18T10:04:00.013-06:00

It's been a long time since I was behind the wheel of a car. In fact, I haven't driven since I busted my head back in June. The other day, I saw a dash-cam video of a cop administering a field sobriety test. the suspect was, of course, failing with flying colors. It got me thinking, “what would happen if I were pulled over for suspected drunk driving?”

It would probably be hilarious. Here is my hypothetical traffic stop;

*this scene starts with meme being pulled over on a city street.

Officer #1: “good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Me: “hi, yeah, I uh, kinda swerved back there. I lost my grip on the wheel because I have AL...”
Officer #1: “have you been drinking tonight, sir?”
Me: “no. I'm just heading home from work and my hand slipped beca...”
Officer #1: (cutting me off again) “can I see your license and registration sir?”
Me: * Struggles to open glovebox, can't quite get it open
Officer #1: “please step out of the car sir.”
Me: “oh, okay.”

*I fumble to open the door, and very slowly and cautiously stand up.

Officer #1: “Would you follow me to the back of the car sir?”
Me: “okay.”
Officer #1: “I'm going to give you a field sobriety test. I believe you've been drinking. Are you sure you don't want to tell me the truth?”
Me: “but I wasn't drinking, my hands are weak from A...”
Officer #1: (cuts me off) “please hold your head still, and follow my pen with your eyes.”
*I follow his pen with my eyes
Officer #1: “very good. Now I want you to stand on 1 foot, and recite the alphabet.”
Me: (stands on 1 foot) “A, B, C, D, E, (Wobbles, almost puts foot down) F, G, H, I... whoa!” (nearly falls, puts foot down)
Officer #1:(Activates his radio and calls for backup) “okay, that's enough of that. Sir, I want you to stand with your feet together, put your arms straight out, and touch your index fingers to your nose.”
Me: (struggles to raise arms, they fall back down repeatedly)
Officer #1: “follow my instructions!”
Me: “I'm trying! But my arms don't work because of AL...”
Officer #1: “because you're drunk.”
Me: “no! It's because...”
Officer #1: “ are you getting belligerent with me?”

*Officer #1 prepares to unholster his gun.

Me: “no, I keep trying to tell you that I ...”
Officer #1: “I want you to turn around, face the trunk of your car, and place your hands on your head.”

*Officer #2 arrives as backup, and joins Officer #1.

Officer #2: “What's the problem here?”
Officer #1: “This drunk is refusing to follow instructions.”
Me: “Man, I keep telling you that...”
Officer #2: “Keep quiet and put your hands on your head now!”

*I struggle to put my hands on my head, but can't lift them above my shoulders.

Officer #2: (Draws his taser) “hands on your head!”
Officer #1: “He's not going to comply. hit him!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser, I fall to the ground and flop about like a fish out of water.)

Me: (* foams at mouth)
Officer #1: “now put your hands on your head, or we'll taze you again”
Me: (*struggles to put my hands on my head) “please don't taze me, bro!”
Officer #2: “You've got 5 seconds to put your hands on your head.”
Me: “I can't! I have ALS!”
Officer #2: “The hell is ALS?”
Officer #1: “I think it's like PCP! Hit him again!”

Officer #2: (zaps me with his taser again, I flop around for a few minutes)

Officer #1: (calls dispatch on his radio) “dispatch this is unit 612, I have a uncooperative driver high on ALS, requesting ambulance, over.”
Dispatch: “say again 612, high on what? Over.”
Officer #1: “ALS, that's Alpha, Lima, Sierra, over.”
Dispatch: “ be advised 612, ALS is a degenerative motor neuron disease, not a form of amphetamine. Over.”
Officer #1: “copy that, dispatch. Uh cancel that ambulance request. Over.”

*several moments of stunned silence.

Officer #2: “Oh boy.”
Officer #1: “Yeah...”
Me: “I told you!”
Officer #1: “Okay, son. We'll make this right.”
Officer #2: “Absolutely, were sorry for not understanding you.”
Me: “how do you plan on making this right?!?”

Officer #1: “Can we buy you a beer?”

repeat after me

2010-09-14T07:42:00.004-06:00

Here's a good mantra for anyone with ALS. It's sorta like a positive affirmation, but with more swearing.

deadline

2010-09-09T08:38:00.002-06:00

we're placing our t-shirt order tomorrow (friday) afternoon. get yours here.

duh

2010-08-27T07:43:00.001-06:00

i just realized that i posted the als walk shirt artwork, but neglected to post ordering info. my friend ali is taking orders this year, and ordering info is here: http://www.colinfarbotko.com/lookgood.html

final(ish) shirt design...

2010-08-18T20:07:00.002-06:00

...will look very similar to this. rock.

this year's walk shirt so far...

2010-08-17T19:24:00.003-06:00

If it doesn't haunt your dreams, I didn't do my job.

pretty pictures

2010-08-15T10:14:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I took some time out from designing T-shirts to make three ALS Assassination Squad computer desktop images. They can be downloaded from my revamped website.

F.Y.I.- It takes 5 hours to create a cold war era Soviet propaganda poster.

shirt designs round two

2010-08-12T19:53:00.004-06:00

#3

#4

T-shirt ideas

2010-08-11T19:27:00.007-06:00

Here are my first two design ideas for this year's AlS walk team shirt. They are a bit more hardcore than last year. I recommend listening to this while you look at the designs. Click for a larger view.

Option one:

Option two:

We are planing on printing kids shirts again this year, so I don't think option two has much of a chance. However, it might look really cool on a bumper sticker.

i'm toast

2010-08-05T09:24:00.002-06:00

Apparently I died earlier this week. The weather channel said so.

I guess my ghost can use a computer.

i love crackpots

2010-08-01T12:37:00.003-06:00

Every now and then, I come across a website that just blows my mind. Yesterday I was treated to a real doozy.

A fella named Marty wrote me a (very long) e-mail to let me know that he can “help people solve ALS.” According to him, you can think year way out of just about any medical condition including; allergies, alzheimers, autism, cancer, diabetes, and hair loss.

That's right, hair loss.

You have to check out this dude's website, www.creatingparadise.net, because it is amazing. This page is particularly helpful If you have ALS.

fun and games, well games anyway

2010-07-26T13:35:00.010-06:00

One of the drawbacks of having hands that don't function properly is that I can't play most computer games. Console games, like the old school Nintendo I grew up with, require opposable thumbs, which I lack. PC-based games are even more complicated. Many require using both the mouse and keyboard simultaneously. these days, I can move the mouse and click. Believe it or not, that allows me to do well over 90% of my job. I love you, Photoshop.

Here are a few fun games for all of my hand-challenge friends out there:

Bubble Spinner
this game is very simple and terribly addicting. Just shoot little colored balls at balls of the same color to make them disappear. Do not play this at work, it will ruin productivity for the rest of your day.

Hedgehog Launch
a game where you launch a hedgehog into space... A situation I'm sure we're all familiar with. It takes a click/drag with the mouse, any use of the arrow keys to steer. The soundtrack kind of rocks too.

Crush the Castle
This is one of my all time favorite online games. Click once to get your catapult swinging, click again to release your projectile. it gets really fun once you earn explosives. Once you've mastered to the original, check out the Players Pack version.

Canabalt
This game is pure 8-bit awesomeness. Controls are only one button. Press the C key to jump as your little pixel man runs through a crumbling city. Pro tip: the longer you run, the more speed you pick up. Hit a box every now and then to slow down.

Blosics 2
this is a fun little physics shooter. There are piles of things, and apparently you don't like them. Click and drag to shoot them. Repeat as needed.

Splitter
Another fun physics game. This one involves sawing logs via click and drag, and making a little smiley face roll around.

Gimme Friction Baby
a fun but frustrating physics shooter with the best music of any game on this list.

Useful things for the gimp in your life

2010-07-18T14:05:00.016-06:00

It's been a while since I put actual useful information on my blog. I know from looking at my analytics that quite a few people arrive here after searching for info on ALS or Monomelic amyotrophy. so, I decided to throw together a post comprised of gadgets and tips I use on a daily basis. Starting off with;

Mac dictate

this is the dictation software I use to write e-mails and blog posts. It is very accurate and very useful. Occasionally it does interesting things with spacing and capitalization. The only draw back is that I can't listen to music while I'm dictating. I've tried it before, and I end up with three quarters of a coherent e-mail with James Brown lyrics interspersed.

Uuhh! Get on up! More on it here.

Bendy Straws

Bendy straws are awesome. You already know this. I have a stash at home and at work, should a beverage situation arise. There are more than a dozen Pro-bendy straw groups on Facebook. The largest one has over 7000 fans. People are weird.

iPhone
Apple likes to say that all of their products will somehow change the world. In the case of the iPhone, that's actually true. I could not make phone calls with out it. A standard cordless telephone is too heavy for me to hold to my ear. My last cell phone had buttons that were too difficult for my weak fingers to press. The touch-sensitive iPhone, combined with this headset, makes talking on the phone possible for someone as weak as me.

zipper pull

My dad invented this handy little tool. I have them all over the house now. It's simply a 3 to 4 inch piece of quarter or 3/8 inch dowel with a little screw-in metal hook in the end. It gives me something large enough to hold onto so I can zip a jacket or pants or whatever.

rocker knife

I have talked about the rocker knife many times before, but it bears repeating. Get yourself a rocker knife.

That is all.

spork

I found this utensil in the camping cookware section of REI. It's made out of titanium, so it's ridiculously light. however, the best thing about it is the flat handle. Most of the silverware designed for disabled people has big fat handles. A fat handle would be great if my thumb worked. since it doesn't, a wide flat handle is easier for me to grasp.

I think a lot of the utensils and other items designed for disabled people would be a lot more useful if the designers would talk to a disabled person every now and then. it's not like we're hard to find. Just hang out near a handicapped parking space long enough, and a disabled product tester will find you.

cup

This thing is what I use to drink 90% of my beverages. its a double wall insulated pint glass with a (mostly) leakproof lid. it has a big fat, heavy duty reusable straw as well.

Camelbak better bottle
it's a water bottle with a built-in straw, and a loop on the lid that makes carrying and opening it a breeze.

miscellaneous
here is a post I did earlier about kitchen gadgets that might be useful to other gimpy gourmets.

How about a bike without hand brakes?

drug trials part three

2010-07-04T10:06:00.007-06:00

Today I pay homage to the inventor of some of the most “creative” drug trials the world has ever seen. His ability to combine various controlled substances was matched only by the volume of substances consumed.

I'm talking, of course, about Keith Moon.

(not pictured: sanity)

His drumming, for The Who, was absolutely insane. His ability to destroy hotel rooms was even more insane. He once celebrated his birthday by drunkenly parking a car at the bottom of a swimming pool.

My favorite Keith Moon drug trial took place on November 20, 1973. He passed out an hour into their show after consuming a huge amount of animal tranquilizers mixed with brandy. These weren't “mellow your dog out at the vet's office” drugs, these were “drop a charging rhino in its tracks” drugs. before consuming said drugs, he was heard to remark, "Of course I can take it! I'm Keith F**king Moon!" Unfortunately, he could not take it.

Cool side note, Pete Townsend asked the crowd if anyone there knew how to play drums. A kid named Scot Halpin did, so he jumped on stage and played the rest of the show. In true Keith Moon style, the band gave Scot a shot of brandy to calm his nerves before he played.

Despite Moon's truly inspiring and innovative drug trials, I will not be following his lead. It would probably be fun for a while, but the fun ends with an overdose of Clomethiazole.

Also, I am not a fan of brandy.

drug trials part two

2010-07-01T18:56:00.003-06:00

Well, I couldn't find any heroin, so I had to skip the Keith Richards drug trial. I have a new plan now. I'm going to base my next drug trial on the “research” of a pro athlete.

I'm not talking about the performance-enhancing type of drugs most pro athletes would use. This is way more unconventional. A fella named Dock Ellis performed some amazing feats of self-medication while playing pro baseball in the 1970s.

In his finest hour, Ellis pitched a no-hitter while bombed out of his gourd on LSD. Here is one of his personal highlights from the game;

“I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate.”

The man was clearly a visionary. Granted, most of his visions were whacked out hallucinations... but they still count for something.

Here's Dock telling this story in his own words:

side note; this might be my favorite thing on YouTube.

drug trials

2010-06-29T18:27:00.007-06:00

A friend of mine recently asked if I was doing any ALS drug trials. The last time my clinic was doing a trial, it required being on Rilutek, which I have previously stated sucks, and daily injections of some other drug. My hands aren't coordinated enough to use a syringe so I had to pass on that one.

It got me thinking, maybe I should start my own drug trial. Full disclosure: I don't know one damn thing about pharmacology. Although, it seems like a lot of the doctors researching ALS don't know a whole hell of a lot about pharmacology either. They have been doing drug studies for years and it hasn't made one bit of difference. I certainly can't do any worse.

So, for the rest of this week, or until I get bored with it, I'll propose some drug trials of my own design.

First off is the Keith Richards approach.

Keith has been tried on drug charges five times. He was once busted by the Royal Canadian mounted police with 22 g of heroin on his person. I have to say... that's pretty awesome. Who the hell gets busted by Mounties with enough smack in his pocket that it constitutes “possession for the purpose of trafficking”? On the side he smoked more grass than just about anyone.

Also, he looks like this.

(Not a mummy, this man is actually alive)

I don't know if Keith Richards is the luckiest man alive or just has incredible genes. Most people couldn't walk in his shoes for a weekend, yet he did it for 40 years. I'd like to say I'll be starting the Richards drug trial soon, but I have no idea where to buy heroin.

I do know how to find Mounties-they are just a 5 hour drive north. But without illegal opiates, I'd just to be another tourist.

they say bad things come in threes...

2010-06-08T18:15:00.005-06:00

...Which is why I decided to break my eye socket in three places. You'd think two would have been enough. I was just showing off. Want to see what a broken eye socket looks like up close?

Look at that! Wow!! Can you believe that? My sideburns are out of control!

Oh, it seems I've also demolished my face.

Here's another view of my beautiful baby blues.

Uhh, I mean bloodshot reds.

My modeling career is over before it began. Fortunately, most people don't mind if their web designer looks kinda like Joseph Merrick.

I ain't pretty no more

2010-06-05T14:39:00.017-06:00

Well, the good news is I thought of a new name for my blog. The bad news is, I had to break my face to do it. Check it out:

I was walking along at work, when I stubbed my toe on the carpet. I tried to catch myself, but with arms as weak as mine that really isn't an option. So I decided to break my fall with my face. I bet it looked pretty cool. I don't remember though, as I was unconscious for a moment. (Pro-tip: if you have ALS, and you can't break your fall, try to wipe out near a couch, or some soft grass, or anything that hurts less than a hard office floor.)

When I came to, I was surrounded by very concerned looking coworkers. Some friendly police officers were already there to make sure I was okay. I remember them asking me questions, but I'm sure my answers made no sense. I was pretty out of it. They asked what I was doing when I fell, and I couldn't really remember. After a few minutes some friendly paramedics came to take me to the emergency room. I remember hearing my coworkers discuss which hospital I should go to, and who should call my wife to tell her, but I don't recall the details.

The paramedics wheeled me down stairs into a waiting ambulance. Once they had me strapped in, they asked me a few questions to ascertain what mental state I was in;

paramedic 1: "do you know what day it is?"
Me: "Friday"-I actually had to think about that one for a couple of seconds
Paramedic 1: "do you know what month it is?"
Me: "June"
paramedic 1: "do you know who the president is?"
Me: "Obama"
(brief pause)
Me: "I thought you were going to try to throw me for a loop with that last question"
Paramedic 2: "if we were going to throw you for a loop, we would have asked you for the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow."
Me: "African or European swallow?"
Paramedic 2: (laughing) "I knew I liked this guy!"
Paramedic 1: "yeah, you're going to be okay."

For the uninitiated, the African or European swallow is an old Monty Python bit. You can watch the setup here, and the punchline here.

As soon as the paramedic made the Python joke, I immediately snapped out of my woozy, foggy state. Activating the hilarity center of my brain somehow brought me back to reality. I remembered what I was doing before I fell, I remembered what I had for lunch, and I remembered watching one of my coworkers trying to fix my glasses after I embedded them in my eyebrow. (Pro-tip: remove your glasses before falling on your face.)

But the fun doesn't stop there! I enjoyed a leisurely ride to Hennepin County Medical Center with my new Monty Python fan friends. The ambulance driver didn't use the lights or siren, so I figured I was going to be fine. Hell, he didn't even run red lights or use the carpool lane! This gave my wife and coworker, JJ, plenty of time to get to the hospital and meet me in the ER.

A couple of doctors looked at me, then sent me for a CT scan. While I was back in my room, awaiting my scan results, all of the rooms around me filled up. Eventually a doctor popped in and said my brain wasn't swelling or anything bad, but it looked like I had a fracture on my cheek/eye socket.

"Well," I thought to myself, "that explains the headache I have." Seriously, this headache was horrible. It felt like I got punched in the face by a hangover. One of the nurses gave me a dose of oxycodone which basically made me dizzy but didn't take away the pain. I don't know why the hell people would abuse that drug! Tylenol was more effective.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to have a surgeon look at my scan and decide if my busted face required surgery. So, I waited a little while longer. Eventually, the nurse came in and very apologetically explained that they had to move me out into the hallway to wait for the surgeon. They had a patient with a heart condition coming in, and they needed to put him in my room because it housed the heart monitoring equipment.

I told them that there was no need to apologize, I wasn't in that bad of shape. (After all, I only broke my face) So, off I went into the hall to wait for the surgeon.

The patient with the heart condition arrived in handcuffs.

He was a prisoner. A goddamn prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit booted me out of my room! As soon as he lay down on the bed, the cop he was with un-cuffed one arm, then cuffed him to the bed. Marney and I looked at each other like, "there is no way that just happened."

From what I was able to overhear, the prisoner had not taken his blood pressure medication. I guess out of whack blood pressure supersedes a busted face. But, come on! Couldn't they put him in jeans and a T-shirt?! I wouldn't feel that bad about getting bumped from my room by a regular guy with a heart condition. At least try to disguise that he's a convict! I half-hoped we were about to see an elaborate prison escape. Unfortunately, the con just complained about chest pains.

The surgeon finally swung by my hallway respite to inform me that my busted face could wait until Monday. I have to see an ear/ nose/ throat specialist in two days. The specialist will decide if my fractured eye socket needs surgery or not. In the meantime, Tylenol and ice are my best friends.

That long, convoluted, convict-tinged story brings me to the new name of my blog. It started off as Monomelic-Amyotrophy-Tastic! then changed to Probable ALS, Definite Hilarity. Now it will be something along the lines of, "I know it's sad, but I can't stop laughing."

At least three different people have heard about my disease, looked at my blog, and said exactly "I know it's sad, but I can't stop laughing!" Well, good! That is precisely what I was going for. No point in being sullen all the time.

I thought about naming my blog "I know it's sad, but I can't stop laughing" a week ago. The Monty Python incident with the paramedic cemented it for me. Laughter pulled me out of a semi-conscious daze, and got me through three hours of searing pain in the emergency room. it might as well be the namesake of my blog.

Finally, something to post

2010-05-29T17:11:00.003-06:00

I haven't made much progress on my neuron cartoon. Fortunately, I learned a few animation lessons today working on something else. Here's a little short about a blood platelet for my sister in law's blog. Be sure to click through to the vimeo site for the full HD experience.

Johanna's platelets have the blues from colin farbotko on Vimeo.

Okay, I've got nothing

2010-05-13T18:46:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about it for a week, and I can not, for the life of me, come up with a funny acronym to replace PALS.

If you have a good one, please leave it in the comments. Yes, I realize I'm asking you to do my job for me. well, technically I'm asking you to wright my blog for me.

I'm okay with that.

Man, I am busy

2010-05-06T19:54:00.002-06:00

My sweet neuron cartoon is on the back burner at the moment. I promise I'll get to it soon.

In the meantime, May is ALS awareness month. I get all sorts of e-mails from the Minnesota ALS Society, where they frequently reference PALS.

PALS stands for persons with ALS. I'm sorry, but that is about the lamest acronym ever. So, while I'm putting my cartoon on hold, I'll try to think of a better acronym for people with ALS.

I can't do much worse than PALS.

Meet Mr. Neuron

2010-04-22T19:32:00.003-06:00

Just don't get too attached, he'll be dead soon.

and so it begins

2010-04-17T10:49:00.003-06:00

I'm starting to work on my motor neuron cartoon this weekend. the first step will be writing some sort of script. I figure I should actually research this and make sure I'm animating accurate information. Step two will be creating all my little cartoon elements In Flash. I'll start with the little neurons from my website game and Go from there.

I'd like to do this in a BBC nature documentary style, sarcastically narrated by Eric Idle of Monty Python. I don't think I can afford him. I guess I'll need to start working on my British accent.

the speakers have spoken

2010-04-14T07:58:00.003-06:00

Voting is now closed, with 'both, you lazy bastard' in first place, followed closely by the cartoon. So, I will dust off my Foley sounds, fire up Flash, and animate a tale of motor neurons loved and lost.

Also related to my last post; Worthington, Indiana is a town in Jefferson Township with a population of 1,481 at the 2000 census. The median age was 40 years old. For every 100 females there were 87.0 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 82.7 males.

If you're a guy in Worthington, odds are pretty good (statistically, anyway) you'll snag a little lady! It could be slim pickings for the gals in town. Sorry girls, you're screwed (figuratively, not literally).

Smashing wordplay, no?

stats

2010-04-08T08:38:00.014-06:00

A long time ago, I got in the habit of tracking usage of my various websites. As a web designer, it helps me see what works and what doesn't. Here are some interesting facts (via Google Analytics) about this blog. In the past six months;

880 unique users have visited the blog over 4000 times.
30 different countries have visited, including Thailand, Russia, Sweden, Argentina, Canada, Croatia, Norway and Singapore.
Visitors from 35 states have been to my blog.
Worthington, Indiana has visited my blog more than any other city. Worthington visits more than any state, except Minnesota. Either someone there is doing motor neuron research, or I have a stalker.
The most clicked on label/tag is 'rocker knife'.
The most viewed individual post is this one. I have no idea why it is so popular.
The most popular search term that leads people to my blog is "colin als hilarity" followed by "farbotko blogspot" and "hipster beard".

Hipster beard takes you here. I'm amazed at how many people are researching hipster facial hair. They should just go here.

And now for a weird one: Someone arrived at this blog after Googling "i keep getting a mouthful of foam." What. The. Hell?

Who in their right mind has a mouthful of foam so often they had to Google it?!?! I've never found myself with a mouthful of foam and thought, "Oh, not this again! Why am I always finding myself in this predicament?"

I'm the fifth search result on Google. The first three are pages about pouring beer, the fourth is about toothpaste, and mine is about drinking pop.

Don't forget to vote in the poll on the sidebar. I'm off to make a T-shirt that says "I'm big in Worthington".

tell me what to do next

2010-04-05T12:50:00.002-06:00

i'm trying to decide which wacky thing i should do next on this blog. My options are;

1) Produce the BBQ sauce commercial I hypothesized in my last post.

-or-

2) Make a short cartoon about the lives of motor neurons—before and after ALS.

Vote for your choice in the side bar.

side effects

2010-03-22T10:38:00.020-06:00

Every time I visit the good doctors at the HFA ALS clinic, they ask me a standard set of questions. It goes something like this;

Any trouble getting dressed? (yes)
Any trouble doing your job? (not really)
Any difficulty swallowing? (nada)
Any trouble eating or drinking? (not since the Ti spork, baby!)
Any excessive salivating or drooling? (Whaaaaa?)
Any sudden outburst of crying or laughter? (No... unless you count watching Up or this)

Turns out that drooling & laughing/crying uncontrollably are pretty common. I hear those effects generally manifest early on, so it's doubtful they'll show up at this point.

Nonetheless, I gave my wife these instructions; If, at any time, I am simultaneously laughing and drooling - get the video camera. Start shooting, and don't stop for any reason. Uncontrolled hysterics and drool would make a great web video. Or, it could be used in a viral ad campaign for a new extra tangy BBQ sauce or something.

"Howdy, ya'll! Try Smokey Dan's new extra-tangy barbecue sauce! It's made with four kinds of vinegar and jalapenos genetically engineered to be so tart, their mere existence is considered a war crime!" -cut to video of me drooling and laughing with bbq sauce superimposed on my face- "It's so tangy, we make you sign a waiver before you buy it. Rustle up some Smokey Dan's extra-tangy barbecue sauce for your next ho-down! Yeeee-haw!"

On the flip side, here's my plan for drooling while crying; I'm going to lay down in a Thai restaurant parking lot, writhe around and shout;

"Why?!? (sob, sob) Why did I eat that pepper? (sob, sob, drool) They said it was mild!!! (drool, drool) My insides are on fire!!! (sob, drool, sob, drool) Avenge my death! (drool)"

Either way, it's going to be awesome.

Time to rename my blog again

2010-03-16T18:39:00.013-06:00

Back when I started this blog in 2008, I called it Monomelic-Amyotrophy-Tastic! About a year ago, my diagnosis changed, so I changed the name to probable ALS definite hilarity. Well, it's due for another name change.

My probable ALS is pretty much a sure thing at this point. That's been the case for a while, I just can't think of a new name for my blog! Really, there was only one place for probable ALS to go -- and that is definite ALS. It's not like the doctors were going to say, "Our bad, turns out you just have a really bad hangnail".

Could you imagine that hangnail? Man, that would suck. And if you got lemon juice on it? Forget about it.

Chances are good, if you can call it good, that I have a variant called Brachial Diplasial ALS. That would explain why my arms grew weak for three years before my legs started getting in on the act.

I'm sure I'll figure out a way to keep being funny despite having a pretty gnarly disease. For example, check out this bit;

At some point the muscles in my face are going to start getting week, and then I'll begin slurring my speech. I'll eventually sound like I'm drunk. Which I figure is the perfect excuse to actually be drunk all the time. Who is going to know?!? I'm already stocking up on flasks, and the mini fridge for beer gets delivered to my office next week.

See? Funny stuff. Who said facing death couldn't be funny? As proof, check out how funny dying can be, and how absolutely hilarious death can be.

Anyway, I'll keep blogging my gimpy little ass off as long as I can. I know there are a lot of people out there with Monomelic Amyotrophy who read this blog and might be freaking out like, "holy crap what if I have ALS?!?!" Well, you probably don't. That is my expert opinion.

I didn't want to get all old and lame anyway. Tell 'em, Joey.

suck on this

2010-03-13T19:48:00.004-06:00

The force of gravity is a son of a bitch. I'm having a hell of a time lifting things up these days. beverages are the worst, due to the risk of spillage. Is spillage even a word? What ever.

Lately I've been sticking it to gravity by using straws. How ya like me now, force of nature? Yes, I'm talking trash to gravity. Isaac Newton did the same thing after that apple bonked him on the head. Well, first he chopped down the apple tree. Then he burned down all the apple trees in Great Britain. And then he killed every man with the last name of Apple in the whole of Europe. Not a lot of people know that, it's just a footnote in history. Anyway, after the apple tree tirade, he told gravity where to stick it.

I've learned a couple of things about which beverages work and don't work with a straw. Some observations;

DO NOT, under any circumstances, drink canned Coke zero through a straw. You will end up with a mouth full of foam the likes of which none have seen. It's like a rabid dog chewing Alka-Seltzer while drinking Diet Coke and eating Mentos. The effects are even worse on an airplane or at altitude.

Red wine through a straw tastes just plain weird. maybe it's because it doesn't aerate or something.

Beer, for the most part, tastes the same through a straw. However, if you find yourself at McMinamin's outside of Portland, and you ask for a straw to go with your porter, the waitress will give you a weird look.

Water, juice, milk, and pretty much every kind of pop tastes just delightful through a straw. As does gin and tonic.

I haven't tried drinking coffee through a straw yet. I have a bad feeling I would end up with a mouth full of molten plastic. That would not be pleasant. Now if somebody would just make a titanium straw...

Check this out

2010-03-02T19:47:00.003-06:00

Last Friday was my lucky day. REI got new shipment of these bad boys in;
All hail the titanium spork.

That there red pepper didn't stand a chance. I sporked the hell out of that sumbitch.

I'm no genius, but sometimes I get it right.

2010-02-14T19:07:00.004-06:00

The good folks at the ALS Association, recently sent me a foam cover for utensils. It is supposed to make things like forks or spoons easier to grasp. Unfortunately, it was a little too large for me to use.

This morning, I had a great idea. What about camping utensils? There are ridiculously light versions out there for all the weight weenies who don't want their forks to weigh more than 10 grams. Full disclosure; there was a time when I did a lot of backpacking, and I was dangerously close to being a weight weenie myself.

Anyhoo, I swung by REI and picked up a fancy titanium spoon. It has a nice flat handle that is easy to grab, and it tips the scales at a svelte 9 grams. No more muscle fatigue while eating soup!

They were sold out of the titanium fork, and spork, so I might have to order those online. The idea of a titanium spork is impossibly cool, so I may have to shop around town for one. I mean, we all know the spork is the most awesome utensil ever, and one made out of titanium is doubly cool.

Gimpy brethren, heed my call! Go forth and buy titanium sporks!

P.S. My dictate software initially translated "Gimpy brethren, heed my call" as "Kinky brother in key might call."

I didn't even know I had a kinky brother in the Florida Keys.

Fancy new technology

2010-02-09T19:22:00.007-06:00

I have some spiffy new software called Mac Dictate. It translates the words I say into a microphone into text on the screen. In fact, I'm just saying the words to this post I'm not typing them. This might be phase 1 in computers taking over and ruling the world, but I don't care, because it's freaking awesome.

it doesn't recognize everything I say just yet. It keeps thinking my wife's name is Monday or money & not Marney. of course the first thing I teach it will be how to recognize swear words. Let's take it for a test drive...

Mother Fokker

okay, I stand corrected, there is only one swear word it didn't recognize. it knew six out of seven words of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television. I must reiterate, this software is freaking awesome.

I kind of feel like Capt. Kirk talking to the enterprise. "Computer. Plot a course to Alpha Centauri." on second thought I feel more like Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. Picard was a pimp. he rocked that bald head better than anyone in the universe. Incidentally, Dictate abbreviated captain and hyphenated Jean-Luc all on its own. Groove on that.

Now that I don't need to type with just two fingers, I'll be able to blog more with less frustration. Sweet! I wonder if it would understand me if I were totally wasted. Computer, pass the Jamison.

Hooray for technology!

i'm back

2010-02-09T10:36:00.001-06:00

sorry about the lapse in blogging. as you can see in the photo below, i've been a fish for the last few weeks.

i eventually wound up at a market in Nantes... with a knife in my head.

don't worry, i got better.

the gimpy gourmet

2010-01-13T20:07:00.006-06:00

Here are a few gizmos i use in the kitchen on a daily basis.

Top left is the mezzaluna knife. It's kinda like what would happen if the rocker knife and a hatchet got down and then had kids... somehow. Also, it chops herbs! Woo!

Moving along in a clockwise fashion, we have the garlic robot. It's basically a mini-cuisinart which is powered by rolling it back and forth on the little grey wheels. It dices 3-4 cloves at a time. I suppose one could use it for making pesto a tablespoon at a time too.

Finally, we have an herb / leafy green slicer my sister gave me. I forgot what it's called, so I refer to it as "Satan's pizza wheel." It slices basil four times faster than a single blade. Also, it's wicked fun to use.

Just don't confuse it with your pizza cutter. Eating 'za a quarter inch at a time is a major drag.

at last

2010-01-07T10:05:00.002-06:00

I'm finally done with this and this (including print jobs for each), mostly done with this, and finished updating this (great pizza, btw).

Regular blogging to resume post haste. Old-timey expressions to continue henceforth. Bully!

done

2009-12-22T08:30:00.003-06:00

This might just be the best web site I've created: Save Johanna's Brain

The Neuron Shooter game from my site got a hilarious face lift for Johanna's site.

irons in the fire

2009-12-15T21:38:00.004-06:00

I'll be busy this week with a little altruistic side project, so I won't have much to post for a bit. Just for fun, here's a quiz...what do you think is occupying my time?

a) Tiger Woods damage control
b) "Reading" the Tara Reid Playboy issue
c) Building a website for a friend in need
d) Assassinating the Arch-Duke
e) Round-the-clock beer bongs

Here's some music to help you think.

what did I tell you?

2009-12-08T10:27:00.015-06:00

In my last post, I postulated that the best way to get famous fast (and then raise money for rare motor neuron disease research) was to release a sex tape.

However, I forgot about twist on the tape - a good old-fashioned affair. Tiger Woods has been in the news non stop for nearly two weeks since it was revealed he was stepping out on his wife.

Rather than going through the effort of forging a sex tape, I'm going to take the Tiger route. Here's a list of people I've had affairs with;*

• Lindsay Lohan
• Kate Gosselin
• Kim Deal
• The flute chick from American Pie
• Neil Patrick Harris
• Taylor Swift
• Anne Hathaway's second cousin Jenny
• That girl who works at the Quizznos near work
• Melissa Stark

I'd like to apologize to my family, blah, blah, blah, I was weak, yadda yadda yadda... and that's it.

Once the media picks up on this post I'll be known as the latest Hollywood lothario. Then I'll go on Larry King and tell the world that, in addition to being a total man-whore, I want to raise the public's awareness of rare, crippling motor neuron diseases. Donations will start flooding in and maybe I'll help some people out.

This plan is just genius.

* Not really

the next big thing

2009-11-25T10:23:00.021-06:00

Lance Armstrong recently announced his team roster for the 2010 season. It includes Mid-West badass Bjorn Selander. A few years ago, he was a local high school kid who kicked the crap out me & everyone else at cyclocross races. Pretty cool to see him at the top of the sport at such a young age.

The team's title sponsors are RadioShack and Lance's LiveStrong Cancer foundation. LiveStrong has raised over $180 million for cancer research.

Which got me thinking - where is the rare motor neuron disease big gun? You've got the Jerry Lewis telethon, Micheal J. Fox's Parkinsons thing, and... well, that's it.

Where's the big celebrity fundraiser for weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases? I'll tell you where.

Right here.

I'm gonna be the next big thing in disease-related awareness generation and fund raising. Hell, our ALS Assassination Squad raised $9,150 in like, six weeks. The only problem with my plan is I'm not a huge celebrity. Yet. If there's one thing I've learned from TV & the internet, it's how to get headlines. There's a sure-fire way to the top.

I need to release a sex tape.

I know, without asking, that my wife will not be on board. It's a shame really, since I already have a pretty good lighting setup at home. I'm sure she'd turn me down based on this conversation we had the last time a celeb sex tape surfaced;

me: "I wonder when they're going to stop calling them sex tapes."
Marney: "What?"
me: "Its all digital now. No one shoots tape anymore."
Marney: "You are such a dork."
me: "I guess 'sex file' or 'sex mp4' doesn't have the same ring as sex tape. If I had one, it would be a streaming sex FLV."
Marney: "Gross."

The way I see it, there is a simple solution. I need someone else to send me their sex tape, and I'll superimpose my head on the dude's body. I'll film my head in similar lighting and camera angles, key out the background, plop it on top of the original sex tape and motion keyframe the hell out if it. Then I just re-dub any dialog, render, export and biggity-bam! Fame, here I come.

Hell, I could do it frame by frame in Photoshop if I had to. The hard part (insert your own 'hard part' pun here) will be getting my hands on a sex tape featuring a guy of similar build. Additionally, my tape will get more attention if my female co-star is famous. So, I need a six foot tall, fair-haired famous guy who regularly beds famous women to film the act and then send me an uncompressed MOV file.

Matthew McConaughey, I'm looking in your direction.

Once my sex tape gets "leaked" to TMZ, our celebrity-crazed media will clamor find out who I am and how I scored such a famous babe. Hopefully Matthew McConaughey doesn't have any easily identifiable tattoos or birthmarks. That could blow the whole thing. Tell you what, Matt, just shoot it in that eerie green night-vision mode. That'll make you a bit harder to see. Thanks, big guy.

Anyhoo, the gossip sites will track me down eventually. I'll tell them I'm a fundraiser for those with weird/rare/undiagnosed motor neuron diseases. With any luck it will become the cause du jour! Before you know it Bill Gates will be hosting a black tie fundraiser for ALS research and regular folks will be paying $10 to download my sex tape... with all the proceeds going to research, of course.

This plan can't fail!!

top shelf

2009-11-17T19:47:00.029-06:00

I've noticed a problem developing over the last couple of months. I'm experiencing increasing difficulty with reaching objects higher than shoulder height. I can just barely raise my hands above my head these days. If you need to high five me for any reason, get your ass to Minneapolis and do it quick. At home, my hand raising (or lack thereof) isn't much of an issue. I simply don't put away any item that belongs on a high shelf. I told Marney that my behavior is consistent with that of all men and should be embraced and celebrated.

She did not buy it.

Unfortunately, shopping is a bit trickier. Shopkeepers don't consult me when stocking shelves. Wankers. The lot of them.

The problem is almost all the products I like are on the top shelf. It doesn't matter which store I go in to. For example;

Grocery store: The Kashi cereal I like? Top shelf. Half & half? Top shelf. Tonic water? It ain't on the bottom shelf.

Clothing stores: The shirt I like? Top rack. Jeans in my size? Top shelf. Sweet shoes? Opposite of the bottom shelf. That stupid skinny white belt? Within reach.

...And the worst shopping experience of all, the liquor store.

There are two problems at the adult beverage emporium. First, all the stuff I like is literally top shelf booze. I dare you to find a store where Tanqueray 10, Bushmills & Makers Mark are located at waist level. The fun continues in the beer cooler, where Surly, Sierra Nevada, Bells and other forms of deliciousness reside just out of reach.

Problem number two is weight. Glass is heavy. Water-based beverages are heavy. Combine the two and you've got a recipe for uhh... non-liftability.

Obviously, I need a solution to my top shelf woes. Here are my options:

The Billy Mays Gopher

Who doesn't need this product?! Bless you Billy, you cacophonous, coked-up sage.

Scissor Lift

I would change the hell out of every lightbulb in Minnesota if I had one of these.

Jet Pack, a la James Bond

Q tested, Moneypenny approved.

Super Stilts
These must have been built on a dare.

A Compliant Giant

I couldn't find a clip of my favorite quote of his, "Be careful. Men in masks are not to be trusted."

P.S. This is beautiful. We're all on the brute squad.

the epic battle between man and bear

2009-11-12T08:59:00.004-06:00

This is pretty self explanatory:
(click for larger view)

Actual explanation here.

This is what happens when I have the day off and 2 hours to kill before dinner.

test time

2009-11-06T08:59:00.010-06:00

A while ago, a co-worker asked me to critique pictures of a couple dozen laptop bag designs. His wife's marketing firm was looking for feedback before moving from designs on paper to prototypes. Incidentally, all it takes to be a design authority is hip glasses, a T-shirt that says "helvetica" and using "Photoshop" as a verb.

I spent the last few days playing around with three prototypes. I found the features I like now wouldn't have been on my radar 2 years ago. Magnetic and velcro closures are much easier for me to use than buttons, zippers or snaps.

In fact, most of my purchasing decisions are now made based on function over style. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dapper as hell. I just pay closer attention to things like how the lid to my coffee cup opens or the zipper on a jacket.

As such, I will now offer my services as a gimpy product tester to all industrial designers. I'm sure this will become a full time job. My blog is insanely popular amongst the Auto-CAD set. Priority will be given to those designing ergonomic beer bottles, coffee cups, cutlery, sports car transmissions and large-screen TVs.

rock-o-lantern

2009-10-31T20:11:00.002-06:00

Happy Halloween, badasses.

tattoo idea

2009-10-27T08:44:00.003-06:00

My sister thought of a good tattoo for me. She quickly sketched it on a post-it note, scanned it, and emailed it to me.I gotta say, it's pretty badass.

YESSSS!!!!!!

2009-10-24T19:43:00.003-06:00

Our favorite band has a new studio record. RAWK!
This one looks heavy.

long time, no post

2009-10-23T08:16:00.002-06:00

First off, the turnout for the ALS walk was so huge that we used up all of our extra shirts, plus the ones we ordered for out of towners. So, a new order is being placed and everyone who ordered a shirt will have one soon.

Second, a friend of a friend knows a music prof from Xavier. He will be teaching Heavy Metal class next year. Awe. Some.

Here's the description from the class catalog;
"Now over 40 years old, Heavy Metal continues to reflect the hopes and fears of its audience - especially its fears - and has sparked more controversy and heated debate than any other genre. We will examine the music itself along with its cultural context; issues such as the impact of music on its listeners, censorship and freedom of expression, the role of women (as fans, artists, and objects of misogyny), sexual liberation, fear of nuclear holocaust, and witchcraft/Satanism will figure prominently. We will examine Metal’s emergence around 1970 in bands such as Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple, then study styles and issues from the 70s to the present. Bands covered include Judas Priest, Scorpions, Kiss, Iron Maiden, Venom, Mötley Crüe, Anthrax, Cannibal Corpse and Cradle of Filth."

I can't imagine anything cooler than listening to grindcore for homework.

walkabout

2009-10-01T18:23:00.015-06:00

Well, I'm finally getting around to posting about the ALS walk last saturday. We had a huge turnout, big thanks to everyone who walked. There were friends, neighbors, co-workers, former co-workers, runners, college roommates, parents and cousins in attendance.

Before the walk began, we all noshed on baked goods & coffee (thanks, Julie & Jidana!) and handed out T-shirts to the squad. There was discussion about bringing bloody marrys, mimosas and Irish coffee to the walk. Those plans were abandoned when we realized how many kids would be there. Also, the 3 mile walk would have turned in to a hell of a difficult schlep after an Irish coffee.

I like my Irish coffee IRISH. Most folks call Bailey's and coffee "Irish coffee". My recipe involves generous measures of both Jameson and Baileys. I look at coffee beans while I drink it. If your Irish coffee were a person, it would be Patrick Flanagan from Boston. My Irish coffee would be Liam Shannon McInerney O'Shaunacy from Cork, Ireland, who simultaneously chugs Guinness whilst beating the British with his hurling stick.

Anyway, we had a snack, made some introductions, and then this happened;

Of additional note is my buddy Ben.

We were freshman roommates at Luther. he worked until midnight the day before the walk, slept a few hours, left Decorah, IA at 5:30 am, walked, then drove home to be back at work by 3:00. Yes, he's crazy. And that's why I love the guy.

The Assassination Squad raised well over $8,000, and donations are still coming in. It pays to have generous friends. Big thank-yous to everyone who donated to the ALS Assassination Squad. I love you all bunches.

Moving pictures! Sound!

2009-09-30T20:21:00.000-06:00

ALS Assassination Squad from colin farbotko on Vimeo.

and... we rocked it

2009-09-27T17:29:00.002-06:00

Full writeup this week.

ready to wear

2009-09-04T08:37:00.004-06:00

Looks like shirt design C from the previous post is the big winner. If you aren't walking with the Assassination squad, but would like a shirt, send me your name & size by Monday, September 7. I don't have a price yet, but they should be quite affordable.

I thought of another logo idea this morning:
but this one really isn't funny unless you know HTML.

The Assassination Squad is still rocking the fundraising. If you'd like to help, but can't make it to MPLS, you can always join as a virtual walker. You still get to hit up your friends for cash, but you don't need to stroll around a lake.

new plan

2009-09-01T18:27:00.004-06:00

Thank you to the 20 people that voted for their favorite shirt logo. There were 2 clear favorites emerging, so I'm moving along to round two. This is sort of like instant runoff voting, without the potential recount nightmares.

I'm pretty sure I want to do the shirts in black with white ink. Here are the two front runners as they would appear on a black shirt. Option C is another idea - 2 color printing on a grey shirt. Yes, I spell it 'grey' and not 'gray'. No, I don't know why I do it.

Option A

Option B

Option C

Vote in the poll on the sidebar.

and here are the rest

2009-08-30T11:34:00.004-06:00

Here are my last 2 designs for our team's ALS Walk t-shirt. The voting poll should be up on the right side bar shortly.

design 3

design 4

art time

2009-08-29T13:09:00.006-06:00

Two of the four t-shirt artwork ideas for ALS walk are mocked up. I'll get the other two up this weekend & have my readers vote for their favorites. It will be democracy in action.

design 1

design 2

Ou walk team is really kicking ass at the moment. We have 11 members and are currently the top fundraiser. The second place team has over 40 members.

I've received donations from people I don't even know. I'm guessing those folks are readers of this blog. Major "thank yous" go out to everyone who is supporting the ALS Assassination squad!

look who is on Facebook

2009-08-25T08:57:00.004-06:00

I had no idea. Click the pic for larger view.

join us

2009-08-20T07:24:00.000-06:00

Turn on. Tune in. Join up.

creative writing

2009-08-16T19:02:00.031-06:00

Lately a lot of people have been telling me that I should write a book. Apparently, I'm entertaining... or at least tolerable. I've also heard from more than a couple sources that my writing has a "cinematic" quality. The logical thing to do is combine 'book' & 'cinematic' and write a screenplay. Here are a few ideas I'm knocking around...

Meth Lab! The Musical
It's a magical adventure through middle America - fueled by speed, Mt. Dew, and a bitchin' 70s inspired score.

"We're going to start a meth lab, here comes some cash,
If the coppers show up, away we'll dash!
We'll stay up for days cooking Sudafed
When we're done, we're not going to bed!
Our buddy Dave just stole anhydrous ammonia,
If the lab blows up, t'was nice to know ya!"

...aaaaaand - Jazz Hands!

Time Traveling Vampire Zombies
This one is pretty self explanatory.

Teen Sex Comedy Iteration #213
It's the last day of senior year, and these guys are ready for love! (fast pans/jump cuts of hot teen guys) Too bad they're students at (sound of record scratching) an all boys military school! (cue song "What I Like About You"). Now - they're going to find out that 'don't tell' (cutaway to mousy-looking dude leaning about Astroglide^® from studly guy) doesn't mean you can't ask! Starring Disney's cutest teen actors and Tim Curry as some sort of pseudo-father figure who is also a total queen.

Vacation For Satan
Even the Prince of Darkness needs a break! Join Mephistopheles as he tours the desert South West by motorcycle. He befriends wayward souls and travelers, imparting upon them his unique world view. Watch as he mentors a young runaway through some tough family times. Eventually, everyone realizes that Satan has it all figured out... hanging out with your friends, gambling, drinking, doing drugs, and dressing fashionably are waaaaay cooler than being good enough to get in to heaven. I mean, no booze? F that. Oh, the film's score will be composed by Slayer.

Hotdish Riot
Mocumentary about the annual County Fair Casserole cook-off in a small Minnesota town. Who will win the grand prize? Cast of characters includes a cute little grandma who swears like a sailor, the Lutheran pastor's wife - a closet drunk who longs for the old days as a Las Vegas stripper, a Vietnam vet who cooks casserole as a form of PTSD therapy and takes pot-shots at the mailman daily and a plucky high school senior who might poison her competitors in pursuit of the blue ribbon.

ALS Walk

2009-08-16T18:16:00.002-06:00

The Minnesota ALS Walk is coming up in a little over a month. Most of the team names are all cutesy like "Carl's Crew" or "Bettie's Buddies" or "Steve's Striders". My team name is not cutesy.

If you are Metal enough (if you read this blog regularly, you are) I invite you to join the ALS Assassination squad. I'm working on a logo. It will rock enough to melt your face.

new web site

2009-08-09T16:39:00.002-06:00

My updated website is up over here. It rules. Crank your computer volume to eleven if you play the neuron shooter game.

neuron sing-along

2009-08-06T12:28:00.004-06:00

My love/hate relationship with my motor neurons is well documented on this blog. They love to hate me, and I'm OK with that.

However, sometimes your neurons can team up and do some pretty neat stuff — like know the next note in a song you've never heard before. Bobby McFerrin breaks it down;

I love how this is simultaneously über-geeky and pretty... kinda like a math teacher I once dated.

what's all this then?

2009-08-03T18:04:00.013-06:00

Can anyone identify this thing?

The good folks at the ALS Association of Minnesota (the same people who introduced me to the Rocker Knife) sent this doodad my way. It consists of a leather shoelace, a hard plastic loop thingy, six brass washers, a 1.5 inch eye loop bolt and a wing-nut holding it all together.

This hodgepodge is like, a MacGyver wet dream or something.

Last week at the doctor (diagnosis is still Probable ALS, F.Y.I.) I mentioned I had trouble holding my arms up when I run. I thought perhaps it was an arm-holding thing. There's no way this thing could hold up my arms... or anything else for that matter.

The wing-nut implies I should loosen it up, but to what end? There isn't even a brand name on this sucker to offer a clue to it's pedigree!

First person to identify this device wins a beer or five bucks or a freakin' Nobel prize.

UPDATE!

It's a key assist device. It's supposed to make turning a key, like when starting the car, easier. It doesn't work great, but it's the thought that counts.